Month: May 2012

Review of In The Name Of The Law by Sue Holston

Rating: 3.75 stars

Mitchell Dawson and Ivan Stanislav are detectives with the Baltimore Police Department where they have been partners and best friends for years. Ivan is engaged and soon to be married. And Mitchell is miserable. Mitchell fell in love with the oh so straight Ivan the moment he met him and now wonders how he will continue on watching Ivan with his wife.  The night of the engagement party Ivan’s fiance’ dumps him after a argument.  A night of drunken consolation leads Mitchell and Ivan to the bedroom and uninhibited sex.

Morning comes and neither  man acknowledges the events of the night before.  It takes Ivan being shot for Mitchell to realize that second chances don’t come around very often and its past time for him to speak up and confess his love for Ivan.

Sue Holston has crafted a very nice short story with a “gay for you” theme with In The Name Of The Law.  Her character of Mitchell Dawson is beautifully realized, with more layers and depth than I would expect from a story of this length.  Ivan Stanislav is a less complete character study. A Baltimore Police Detective and renown horndog he is completely heterosexual until the night his fiance (who is of course a bitch) dumps him.  One drunken night of sex with his partner flips his sexuality switch over to gay, a happenstance that always causes me to shake my head.  It takes a much longer story to make your case for this change in sexuality believable and 46 pages is just not long enough.  With Ivan a less substantial character, Mitchell’s love and longing for him never feels completely real. It is this disconnect that lead to a lower rating for the story.

One more quibble here towards something that happened in the epilogue. Both men tell their Captain that their partnership is both domestic as well as work related and he agrees to  keep their secret.  Realistically that would not happen.  Rules and regulations prohibit that and it is doubtful a Captain would risk his or hers retirement to keep their secret. Nor would they have wanted to put their Captain in such a bad position. It would have been far more believable if the author had them continue to work together and keep the change in relationship secret until either got  promoted out of the partnership.  That would have given Sue Holston’s story an additional touch of authenticity it needed.

With Baltimore as her setting, Sue Holston’s attention to detail and geographic atmosphere is terrific.  Baltimore is about 30 minutes away from me and I can tell you she has done her homework with this great city.  Nothing beats eating our Chesapeake Bay crabs and having a Clipper City Gold Ale from a rooftop deck overlooking the Inner Harbor. I look forward to reading more stories from this author in just such a setting.

Cover: Cover art by Posh Gosh.  Very nice cover.  Loved the harbor in the background.

Available from Total E Bound Press.

Chances to win this, $20  gift certificate and other books visit the following blogs for the rest of the Raise Your Glasses Tour:

Saturday, May 12th: A.J. Llewellyn hosts H.L. Holston
Sunday, May 13th: H.L. Holston hosts Scarlet Blackwell

Review of The Beast’s Promise by Amylea Lyn

Rating: 4.25 stars

When Owen Sanders was forcibly taken from the City, he left behind 6 year old twin brothers in the care of his grandfather.  Living with the Katria, cat shifters, has given him a new perspective on the City and the life under the Dome. All he had heard from the authorities in the City about the Outside was lies and he has found love with Maltok, Co Alpha of the tribe he’s living with.  But his happiness is marred knowing he left his brothers behind and he can’t rest until he knows what has happened to them in his absence.

Maltok knows his mate is unhappy but is stunned to find out about the family Owen has left behind.  When Owen asks for Maltok’s help in returning to the City, Maltok agrees if Owen will fully bond to him upon their return.  Owen agrees and then feels guilty, first from putting his love in danger and then not telling Maltok how much he loves him before asking him for help.

Both set off for the City, and the misunderstandings between them grow with each step they take.  Heartbreaking surprises and danger await them within the Domed City.  Owen and Maltok must come together to save Owen’s family before they can have the future together they both desire.

The Beast’s Promise is the second in the Outside The City series from Amylea Lyn.  Nature of the Beast is the first in the series and the stories should be read in sequence in order to fully understand the back stories and societies mentioned.  The Beast’s Promise picks up before the epilogue in the first book, which is a little confusing in itself.  The author assumes that one has read the first novel, so there are scare descriptions of the dystopian society Owen came from and little of any physical descriptions of the Katria here.

Raine and Ash from Nature of the Beast appear here but are naturally relegated to secondary status. But those tantalizing glimpses of Raine’s gift appear here to my endless frustration.  It’s like dangling a piece of Godiva chocolates in front of a chocoholic.  Tsking away here.  But that said, Amylea Lyn’s characters, action and wonderful plot more than made up for it.  The author did a terrific job of pulling me into her world, enmeshing me into the plight of those who live within a Domed City, separated from nature and the world around them.  This is an old plot device that Amylea Lyn has made fresh again by populating it with beings I cared about,  political  and racial grievances within the tribe that mimic those within our own society, and a good old fashioned mystery that moved the pace quickly forward.

My enjoyment of the story was partially reduced by florid  or repetitive writing in terms of physical descriptions, especially of Maltok.  There is a mention of heaving chests, luxurious mane, and golden orbs, for a while there I thought Fabio was back.  And of course, there were Owen’s “shining blue gray eyes, soulful blue gray eyes”and more. But as the story progressed, the writing evened out so it didn’t really interfere with my enjoyment of the book. While I wish that the author would find new ways to describe a character’s physical appearance other than starting with the eyes, her strength is in creating characters that we care about, and then carefully constructing a world or worlds for them to inhabit.  Just a lovely job.

By the end of the book I was ready for another, hopefully featuring the twins, Lucah and Micah, two very endearing characters.  Once again, Amylea Lyn left me wanting more of each character she introduced while leaving me with the impression that the next book might be even better.

Cover: Cover Artist is Reese Dante. IAnother great cover in this series.  The young blond model in front is certainly in keeping with the descriptions of Owen.  With the lion graphic in the background, it pulls everything together. Love it.

Available from Silver Publishing, Amazon and ARe

Review of Nature of the Beast Outside The City #1 by Amylea Lyn

Rating: 4.25 stars

Raine O’ Kelley was different. Inside the Domed City conformity was the rule, starting with your physical attributes.  White blond hair and blue gray eyes, that was the norm, but not Raine.  His hair was the color of gold and his eyes were a deep green.  The fact that he varied from the norm was enough to guarantee that no women would ever choose him as a husband.  He wouldn’t even be employed if his influential father had not interceded with the government to get him a job.  He was too different even for his father, and his father knew his deepest secret, the manner in which Raine was truly, criminally different.

In a society where nature was outlawed and any possession of vegetation considered a felony, Raine could communicate with plants.  He could make them grow, and they sang to him.  In fact, plants were as necessary to Raine as was oxygen and blood.  His mother was gifted or cursed in the same way and because his father loved her, he allowed her a plant or two even though the government forbade it. When she died, his father removed all the plants only to watch his son sicken and fade. His father brought one back but only because Raine was the last link he had to the woman he loved.

Now Raine works for the government and hides his gift behind locked doors in his apartment, where his bedroom has a living carpet of grass and forbidden plants take up  all available space.  Then he is found out and sent to prison for life.  Abused daily by the guards and with no contact with plants, Raine starts to die.  The guards throw him to The Beast, a fearsome monster kept to dispose of prisoners and a miracle happens.  The Beast protects him, takes care of him.  The Beast turns out to be more a tortured man than animal and the two are drawn together.  When Raine discovers The Beast comes from Outside the City, and that the guards intend to kill them, escape becomes paramount.  Will their relationship hold firm in the face of obstacles both inside and outside of the City?  Or will animalistic nature of The Beast destroy their bond first.

This story both frustrated and delighted me.  Amylea Lyn’s Domed City is a dystopian society that we have seen before.  A city ruled by an oppressive government is walled off from all nature.  It’s inhabitants live a grey life in a grey city under a dome that let’s in very little light.  While the idea is not original, the author does a wonderful job with her descriptions of the uniformity of city life and its denizens.  But where she shines is in her creation of Raine O’Kelley.  Raine’s life force is entertwined with plants, energy and love flowing between them.  So vivid are the description of Raine’s interaction with nature that the story dimmed as the plot took a different direction.

The Beast is Ashlon, lost son of the chief of the Katria.  One of his own people betrayed him, and he was taken into captivity by city guards. Ashlon has been tortured and beaten for years in the prison under the City. His memory of his life outside has dimmed and his Beast has taken control in order to survive.  The prologue tells the story of Ashlon’s capture from his POV and gives us a strong introduction to the Beast.  Ashlon’s confusion and rage comes through so beautifully that it was a little jolting to have him disappear after the Prologue. Chapters pass by before we see him again.

Raine has obtained his seeds and plants through the black market and I loved the glimpses we are given of the nature underground that manages to survive the Government interdict.  When Raine’s secret garden is discovered and he is arrested at work,  he manages to send a message to an anonymous source who wisks away his plants before the guards can destroy them.  What a tantalizing glimpse into a forbidden section of  society.  I wanted more, much more of this plot line.  Instead, we get Raine convicted of his crime and sent to prison, where he is gang raped each night, and forced into a work detail by day.  Not surprisingly, Raine starts to die.  A trip to the infirmary becomes a death sentence and a trip to The Beast’s cell.

Raine’s introduction to the Beast is a little muddled as his thoughts seem surprisingly clear for someone as sick and abused as he is. Previous descriptions show Raine broken and fading from the nightly sexual abuse by the prison guards but that seems to disappear inside The Beast’s cell. As both men become aroused by close contact with each other, I kept waiting for an appropriate response from Raine that would be in keeping with that of a rape victim.  It never happened.  There is a few fleeting mentions, once when Raine and The Beast are attacked by the Head Guard, and one in the village, but then it goes away completely.  And with that lack of reaction, the character of Raine became less real in my mind which was a shame as he is such a unique creation.

The plot redeems itself as the two main characters flee the prison and the City.  Again, the author rewards us with lush descriptions of the Outside and Katrian life inside their village.  But each time Raine’ gift comes forward in neat, creative little ways, I mourn the loss of a totally different plot and wish the story had taken a different turn.  Especially during a major fight towards the end, where the symbiotic nature between Raine and the plants comes to the fore.  I loved this!  And it was such a strong part of the plot that the shifter side of the story seemed a little mundane.

So while I did enjoy this book, the shadow of a greater one lurking behind it kept me from giving it a higher rating.  I look forward to more books by Amylea Lyn and the fulfillment of the promise of an extraordinary story shown here.

Cover: Artist: Reese Dante.  The cover is terrific.  From the terrific graphics to the font style, the cover design both delights and informs you of the story within. Great job.

Available from Silver Publishing, Amazon and ARe.

http://bloodredpencil.blogspot.com/2012/05/10-more-lies-you-might-tell-yourself.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed: blogspot/eFvAc (The Blood-Red Pencil)

 

Here is a wonderful blog from The Blood Red Pencil.  Enjoy while I am putting the finishing touches on the review for Marathon Cowboy.

 

 

http://bloodredpencil.blogspot.com/2012/05/10-more-lies-you-might-tell-yourself.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed: blogspot/eFvAc (The Blood-Red Pencil).

Review of The Fairy Gift by J.K. Pendragon

Rating: 4.25 stars

Every third generation on the eve of their 18th birthday, the child receives a gift from the Fairies. What that gift may be no one knows.  It was said of Marcus’ family that his family’s fortunes arose with his great grandfather’s gift.  But times have gotten hard and now the family depends upon Marcus and the gift he is to receive now that he is turning 18.  But Marcus is different, he loves his village of Rell, his family and wants to get closer to the woodman’s boy Adam.  Marcus is attracted to men not women and a fact he hides from all around him.  He certainly doesn’t want a Fairy gift that will change his life and all he knows.  On his birthday, Marcus hides in his room, hoping no one will find him.  Alas the fairy Draeden appears, and despite Marcus’ protests, gives him the gift of seduction.  What is a virgin to do with that?

I had a quibble with this story right off the bat.  Such a lovely fairy tale should start as all fairy tales do.  Once upon a time in the village of Rell, there lived a boy named Marcus.  For The Fairy Gift is truly a fairy tale for adults, following the same strictures and guidelines all such stories do.  Draeden is the fairy godmother (a title such a wry and fey creature would love) who pops in and out of Marcus’ life, bringing both meaning and frustration to a boy trying to find his way through the kingdom and into the path of happily ever after. The King’s Wizard comes to collect Marcus and take him to the capital as an apprentice, but things go awry as Marcus is kidnapped and sold as a sex slave.  What? This didn’t happen in your fairy tales? Well, no matter, Marcus has a gift, the smarts to use it plus Draeden to look after him and give him a shove in the right direction.  Let’s just say wonderful antics ensue along the goal to happiness, all choreographed with a lovely light touch by the author.

J.K. Pendragon has populated this story with all the wonderful characters we have come to expect.  There is an evil sorcerer, a good queen, good townsfolk, and of course, true love waiting in the wings or in this case a house of prostitution run by a Madam named Titania.  Same difference.  All the characters are wonderfully nuanced, adding to the storybook feel while never losing sight that this is a slightly updated and slightly bent version of the same.  And there is even a kind of princess masquerading as a high priced prostitute with a surprise up her skirt. And there are obstacles, and a truth that Marcus must discover on his own. But as this is a fairytale, it will come as no surprise that there is a happily ever after. And that is how I will end this review of a story I really enjoyed.  And they lived happily ever after.  Sigh.

Cover.  Design by Le Burden Design.  Simple yet elegant.  I would have liked to have seen a more traditional storybook cover but still this is nice.

Available at Less Than Three Press, LLC

Review of Battle of Hearts by Valentina Heart

Rating: 4.5 stars

For years, vampires and shifters had remained hidden from human societies, an uneasy truce keeping the peace between them.  Then a blood crazed vampire kills two shifter cubs and the war is on.  Years later, the war has reduced the numbers of all involved, and the few humans left have been forced to take sides in order to survive.  Valerian, a wolf shifter, is one of three Alphas in a combined pack of shifters of all species.  He is their top hunter and he is relentless in his duties. The constant fighting and killing have taken an emotional toll and Valerian keeps himself isolated in all ways from those around him, his world narrowed down to fucking and fighting.

Teddy, a cougar shifter, has been wandering alone since he was kicked out of his pride by his father, a follower of the old ways of pride leadership.  Weary from constant fighting and hungry, Teddy lets his guard down to sleep and is captured by vampires looking for new sources of blood.  When he awakens, he is hanging upside being drained of his blood. The vampires have a new system, keeping shifters and humans in cages and just alive  enough to drain them daily until they die.  Weakened, Teddy prepares to die until a shifter pack led by Valerian enters the lair and rescues them all.

Valerian is unpleasantly surprised to find his mate among those shifters he has rescued, and a cougar no less.  While Valerian’s wolf howls for his mate, Valerian the man has no time for Teddy and tells him  in no uncertain and gruff terms.  Teddy too is less than pleased with Valerian as a mate and the battle of wills is on.  Can two strong willed and angry shifters let their guards down and accept each other as mate?  Or will the Battle of Hearts be lost?

I loved Valentina Heart’s take on shifters and vampires.  From the very first page, Heart paints a picture of a world so deteriorated that the buildings have turned to rubble, humans are in hiding, shifters of all types control the forests and  both vampires and shifters live in caves underground. All are constantly at war for supremacy and survival, the prevailing sense of desperation so real the reader can almost taste it. The characters here have been stripped down to basics and Valerian is a prime example of that.  He is all snarls and aggression, attributes needed in a professional killer and alpha.  Heart makes it clear that all the deaths and loss have inured him to affection and the possibility of love.  Even his cubs by various nameless females are relegated to the very outskirts of his memory, necessary to Valerian only as replacements for those lost in battle.

Teddy is a shifter you will take immediately into your heart.  He so desperately wants to find a home and a pack/pride that will accept him that when his original joy at finding a mate turns into dismay and anger over finding that Valerian is, in his words, a “dumbass”, you are right there with him in total agreement. Time and again, Teddy has to do battle with the cougar inside him who wants his mate no matter how many times he is rejected.  The name Teddy is a perfect choice for this character as it tells you so much about him.  He’s vulnerable, great of heart, brave and bristly. My heart was in my throat as Teddy goes from hurt inflicted by vampires to hurts meted out by his mate and back again. But as Teddy uncovers the redeeming features of Valerian’s personality, so does the reader and you start to pull for both of them to find the path to each other.

Lets not forget the secondary characters here as Valentina Heart certainly does not.  They are as beautifully drawn as the main ones of Teddy and Valerian.  In fact this entire book is populated by shifters that I would love to visit again and again so easy it is to wrap your arms around them.  How can you not love the idea of two domino playing alphas who never seem to shift away from their game yet still take care of pack business? The story is so well done right down to the smallest detail.  My only quibble here is that the fight at the end between our heros and main vampire  was over far too quickly considering the buildup.  I would have thought it would have been drawn out a little longer with more complications than it occurred in the book.  Still, a very satisfying ending. Valentina Heart was a new author for me and I look forward to reading her other books.  I hope that I will find that they are as well done as this one.  Great job all around.

Cover:  Cover artist is Reese Dante. What a sexy, gorgeous cover.  OK, yes, that is Valerian absolutely!  Love the graphics, love the fonts, and the addition of the sword is the topping!

Available from Silver Publishing, Amazon and ARe.

Mustard Pork Roast and the Week Ahead

Warm and misty and frustrated here in Maryland this morning.  All week I had  been hearing about the moon.   That it was going to be spectacular!  The closest to Earth it has been for a while and that it would appear freakin’ HUGE in the night sky.  I made my preparations.  Camera ready? Check.  Chair at hand? Check!   Finally dark?  Check!   Moon?  Uh, hello? Moon? That would be no!   As in not even a hint of light in the night sky! Nada, zip, nothing!  Clouds?  Yep, plenty of them.  But no moon.  It didn’t help to turn on the evening news and have the chirpy meteorologist post pictures of a fantastic Moon while dishing out his sympathy to those poor smucks (me) who didn’t get to see it due to  CLOUDS not forecast the evening before!  It will be 29 years before the Moon will be that close again and I will be ancient.  But you can rest assured I will be out in front looking for that damn Moon!

I am not the only one here in a frustrated state.  Out back in our small fish pond sings a lonely Leopard Frog.  He made it through the winter and the perilous visits of our Great Blue Heron only to croak out his status as the lone stud of the tiny pond.  Lately he had been croaking less. I guess he didn’t see much cause to continue.   Than I got out the small blue fountain from the shed, assembled it, and filled it with water, confident that our last  frost is gone for the year.  I didn’t notice it had attracted a visitor until later that afternoon.  Sure enough our lonely frog had taken a journey over to the new addition in the garden and found true love.  Here is the photograph to prove it:

Who knows if this love affair will continue?  It  might be very final if he doesn’t get his ass off that elevated fountain and back to the safety of the pond where he might be lonely but will also stay alive! I will let you know what happens.

 

So tonight is a wonderful pork recipe.  The house smells delicious when it is cooking and this dish is always so easy and great tasting.  It calls for pork tenderloins but works just as well with a pork roast.  The sauce isn’t heavy so it works well in spring and summer too.  Thanks to Laura Calder again!

Mustard Pork:

Ingredients:

1 tablespoon olive oil
2 pork tenderloins (about 8 ounces) or pork roast about 1 or 2 lbs
Salt and freshly ground pepper
About 3/4 cup Dijon mustard (plain or grainy) I use a combination of both
1 shallot, minced
1 cup dry white wine (use a good wine, I like a Sauvignon Blanc)
1 cup  creme fraiche or sour cream
2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F

Rub the oil in a roasting pan. Sprinkle the pork with salt and pepper and rub the pork all over with the mustard. Set it in the pan and pour in 1/2 cup water. Roast until the pork is tender, about 1 hour 30 minutes. (If the water evaporates in the pan, add a little more.)

Remove the pork to a serving dish and keep warm. Fry the shallot in the roasting pan on the stovetop. Deglaze with wine and boil to reduce by half. Stir in the sour cream or creme fraiche and rosemary, and reduce to sauce consistency. Check the seasonings. Slice the pork, pour the sauce on top and serve.  This dish has become a go to recipe here.  You just can’t go wrong with Mustard Pork.

Finally, let’s get to the week ahead shall we?

Monday:                                     Review of Battle of Hearts by Valentina Heart

Tuesday:                                     Review of Fairy Gift by J. K. Pendragon

Wednesday:                               Review of Marathon Cowboys by Sarah Black, our Spotlight author

Thursday:                                   Review of Nature of the Beasty by Amylea Lyn

Friday:                                         Review of The Beast’s Promise by Amylea Lyn

Saturday:                                     Bloggers Surprise as I have decided which book to go with yet.

 

So have a great week.  Check out the latest Vocabulary Gone Bad if you haven’t already! FF and I will see you soon. That’s frustrated frog to all of you.

Destination Anus or Where No Starfish Has Gone Before – Vocabulary Gone Bad #2

Note: Let’s just agree that this column is for mature audiences only shall we? If you continue reading, you are clearly over the age of 18 and don’t need your parents approval.  We are serious, people! Words used in the most despicable manner is no laughing matter!!!  Ok, well it is a laughing matter or we wouldn’t be here.  Getting off course again. Sigh.

So, here we are back again for our second installment of Vocabulary Gone Bad.  I have spent the last week or so toiling in the basement of the sentence horribilus.  OK, not really, I have been gathering together a list of poor phraseology that drives us right up that proverbial wall and over.  So many in fact that I think I must have enough material for a book or at least a graphic novel – the mind reels doesn’t it?  Today we are going to concentrate on two male body parts and the inexplicable, somewhat confusing, and just plain hilarious words we sometimes use to describe them.  Once again it’s that usage that  stops us dead mid sentence in a novel.  Backs us right up for that second looksee!  Makes us doubt our eyes and check the prescription on our glasses.  You know! THAT word!

 Anus/Rosebud/Ass Lips/Starfish:Since time began or at least kindergarten, the anus has been a source of humor and fascination.  When young, you’re preoccupied with it and rightly so.  There’s examining the stuff that comes out of it, potty training it, being taught to wipe it, clean it, and by all means cover it! The  anus has been called the shit hole, pooper, poop hole, shitter, butthole, and of course, the ever popular and widely used asshole.  All of which have many appropriate usages from noun to adjective and beyond. You can say of course “Look, you little shitter, stop calling your brother a pooper!”  And “Hey asshole,  when are you going to move out of that shithole you call an apartment?” or “Hey, poophead” (it all depends upon your actual or emotional age). See?  All widely used and totally appropriate!

We rarely use the correct term – anus. Why? I mean really, think back to the first time your class had to memorize the planets in our galaxy and some poor schmo had the task of reporting on Uranus! He turns red (why is it always the guys who get assigned this one) and shuffles his feet in preparation for what’s coming. He only gets one word out “Uranus” and the class breaks out into Beavis and Butthead  giggles and snorts.  From there we head over to Carter from South Park and his anal probe. To  quote Rodney Dangerfield, it gets no respect.

So imagine the difficulty authors of m/m  fiction have when writing sex scenes and the anus literally comes into play. The characters have fallen into lust/love and are getting ready to consummate away. The lube and condoms (safe sex please) come out. What happens next is a toss up as the anus still has that ability to produce guffaws instead of lust laden groans and all because the author got adventurous with their word choices.

Think about it. There you are reading along, happy with the two or more frisky men having at it in the story in front of you when you come across  “…and then Zane teased my ass lips with the vibrator..” Wait!  What?  No, it really  reads “ass lips”.  My mind immediately conjures up a posterior with red lipstick on it and shuts down, sexy men forgotten.  I take a deep breath and bravely continue on with “… pressing on the center of my anal starfish while probing… “.  *blink blink blink*  Apparently Zane has taken a hike and arrived at a nearby beach. Anal starfish? Really? When did we start using benthic fauna to describe male anatomy?  Can sexy sea squid be far behind?  Further into the abyss I go (yeah, I went there).   Zane continues on. “He jabbed another couple of inches into my shitter…”. Kindle drops to the bed and I start to giggle.  The book is a hopeless cause.

And this author is not the only one to lose me over their descriptions just the most recent. These aren’t the only poor word choices I’ve read lately.  I have run across man cave (yikes, spelunkers ahead), man pussy, and man cunt.  As with man tits (see When A Tit Should Be A Nip Or Leave Those Orbs Alone  -VGB#1), a huge absofuckatively no on the words man pussy and man cunt. Even if you are transgendered or are genderqueer, I can’t imagine you would use those terms. If I am wrong, give me a shout out and let me know.  Otherwise, can we just agree to let those words sink into vocabulary quicksand where they belong?

The Penis aka Throbbing Member, Dong, Pulsating passionate pestle, Joystick, Fuckstick, Mister Happy.   When it comes to the penis and it’s many monikers, a little research sees a veritable floodgate open and the names pour out.  Weenie, whang, tool,dick, cock, tool, manhandle, man root, and so many more.  My earliest memory of penis names comes from the schoolyard at elementary school.  Wee wee, peter, dingaling, and willy spring to mind. Yep, went there again. There are instrument based penis names like meat whistle, skin flute, blue-veined piccolo, love trumpet, and roaring horn.  There are animal based names like lizard, pecker, python, one-eyed snake, spitting cobra, and my personal favorite trouser trout. And of course the ever popular food based names that include pickle, banana, pork sword, cucumber, gherkin, wiener, manmeat, tubesteak, hairy sausage, and mutton dagger.**  I am sure you will think of more. One site alone lists over 400 terms for penis.  With that many to choose from, how it is that some authors are still using words that stop us dead in our tracks, kill any sexy mood they were trying to achieve, and  just leave us dumbfounded? Over and over, poor vocabulary has left me giggling instead of sighing.

I like the terms cock and dick.  They can give a sexual scene a rough and immediate feel of lust.  Prick and junk also get honorable mention as most of the instances where I have seen them used get the appropriate response.  Glans works too.  Member and shaft, while anatomically correct, get downgraded when they hook up with unseemly companions, hence, throbbing member and loveshaft.  There are many wonderful and sexy ways to describe the penis without giving it a name.  “It/he/name  hardened under his touch” or “his pants tented”.  Many authors give the scene texture by describing how it feels, the skins and veining.  That’s sexy too.  But when someone starts to jerk the  “that pocket rocket”, that “flesh piston of power”, then all bets are off.   Purple prose, my Aunt Fanny!  I would call that the Skittles of Prose.

Just because I like you, I have included some examples below.  These are literary passages, people!  Get those minds out of the gutter! !

The Skittle Prose memorable entries:

”  …Jacques’ admirably distended weapon…and indeed this massive weapon sprang from a hiding place of thick, shaggy, graying fleece…”* Wow, Jacque’s weapon was both distended and massive.  Go Jacques!- *The Autobiography of a Flea by Anonymous 1901

“Shai Hulud”, I responded, “Because it’s a gigantic life-giving spice worm that’s worshipped as a god, that’s why.”  Live chat tweet. That is just so wrong on so many levels I don’t know where to start.

“I couldn’t wait to get down on my knees to start sucking on his engorged pleasure-stick” remembered story recollection that still burns in the brain of Graham from my GR’s group. Thank you, Graham, Katey, Kate, Steelwhisper, Tam, Stacey Jo, Lisa and so many more for your contributions.

“…Harry’s ebony shaft. Joey, the Italian kid from across the street had his salami up my ass”  from *Happy New Year by Kenn Dahll. This author is also responsible for Zane and his antics. Free from Smashwords.  Please go download it.

So to wrap this puppy up, at least for now.  I am begging you authors, present and future, back away from those descriptions that make us cringe.  When in doubt, reach for the Pinot Noir and not the Rigid Digit.  If it makes you giggle when you say it aloud, think of its impact upon us poor helpless readers and just say no!  Of course if you don’t say no, if the temptation is too great, if you wake up at night covered in sweat because the term love muscle just  calls to you then don’t be surprised if it appears on another Vocabulary Gone Bad.  I am everywhere, just waiting for the purple prose to fall! And researching. And reading! See you at the next Vocabulary Gone Bad!  If you have any suggestions, please let me know!  The list grows ever longer.

Find the first Vocabulary Gone Bad When A Tit Should Be A Nip or Leave Those Orbs Alone here

**These lists and more  Penis Word Lists from the Penis Resources Blog, 101 Penis words.  What an invaluable resource!