Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Words is lucky to have Amy Lane here today to share her thoughts on dog ownership, dogs, and the adventure of a walk from a dogs pov. Welcome, Amy!
Facebook for Dogs By Amy Lane
So, in Freckles, my Christmas story, Carter Embree, a guy who has never owned so much of a goldfish, is suddenly in charge of a small dog.
He’s trying to be a good dog owner, so he takes Freckles out for a walk—and ends up getting an entire education about what a dog thinks a walk should be, versus what a people thinks a walk should be.
It’s an entirely different thing. I mean, people put dogs on a leash and we think we’re taking them for a walk.
Yes, there is walking involved, but the dog isn’t thinking of it as exercise. The dog is pretty sure he’s going FaceBooking—and this leads to some conflict.
Think about it—they catch up on friends, investigate new things, tell each other jokes… if a dog wants to know what’s going on in its community, it gets itself hooked onto a leash and takes its owner for a walk.
And then smells ALL THE DAMNED THINGS—while the people tugs impatiently at the leash and tries not to trip, fall, and die.
Sort of like my dogs Geoffie and Johnnie, who’s morning FaceBook might go something like this:
“Oh, hey, Geoffie—the Shih-Tzu from across the street has been here—see?”
“Oh yes, Johnnie—she’s eating the good kibble, you can tell—ooh, look, the turkeys have blogged!”
“No! No! No! Don’t clickbait the turkey poop!”
“But Johnnie… it’s so good! Look! Little delicious juicy sound bites to quibble—“
“Oh, did you see that? The Motherboard doesn’t like clickbait—yanked your chain, she did. Slows the whole thing down. She’ll make you drop that right quick.”
“Don’t whine, Geoffie—there’s always more cookies when you click FaceBook for dogs.”
“Ooh… dead-thing memes. Did you see this, Johnnie? I’ve got to roll in it—it makes me happy every time.”
“Ooh… good one, Geoffie! I can roll in this dead-thing meme forever! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Aren’t dead-things the BEST!”
“But… but… Motherboard, why won’t you let us surf the dead things? WAIIIIIIEEEEEEE????”
“Too much surfing isn’t good for you, Geoffie. That’s why the Motherboard has the leash and collar control system, you know that.”
“Yes, I know. Come on, Johnnie, let’s—Oh. Didn’t realize you were stopping to blog.”
“You (grunt) know (grunt) about blogging.”
“Ooh—good one, Johnnie.”
“Thanks, Geoffie. (kicks grass over blog) Suddenly you just get the urge to unload.”
“Yes—I know. I don’t understand why the Motherboard feels the urge to delete our posts though. Don’t you think everybody wants to read them? I mean we like reading everybody else’s.”
“Right? And the bags she uses—stink to high heaven. Citrusy plastic something. Just not as inviting as a good blog. I don’t understand at all.”
“Well, there’s no accounting for taste. And… oh. Must blog.”
“Your blogs are always so short, Geoffie.”
“Thank you. Oooh… look. Turkeys!”
“Oh my God—FLAME WAR! FLAME WAR WITH THE TURKEYS! DIE MOTHERFUCKERS, GO DOWN IN A BLAZE OF TROLL GLORY!”
“You tell ‘em, Johnnie—we hate turkeys. If they didn’t want us to hate ‘em they wouldn’t leave such good clickbait. Hates ‘em. Don’t back down, you’ve got ‘em on the—OMG!”
“TURKEYS! THEY’RE FLAMING BACK! ABORT ABORT ABORT! DELETE ALL TURKEY POSTS! RUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!”
(Dogs and Motherboard catch breath)
“Oh, nicely done, Johnnie, you told those turkeys!”
“Yes, well, you know. Wanted to walk away from the convo. No use getting sucked into a fight that’s going to last all day.”
“Yeah, we’re almost around the corner anyway. One more sniff so we can read the Great Dane’s blog, and then we can go home and get off FaceBook. I’m ready for some real life interaction with my canned food and a nap.”
So, next time you see a dog on a walk, picture the world as his computer—and wonder what he’s surfing. It’s definitely as absorbing to him as FaceBook is to us!
Carter Embree has always hoped to be rescued from his productive, tragically boring, and (slightly) ethically compromised life. But when an urchin at a grocery store shoves a bundle of fluff into his hands, Carter goes from rescuee to rescuer—and he needs a little help.
Sandy Corrigan, the vet tech who helps ease Carter into the world of dog ownership, first assumes that Carter is a crazy-pants client who just needs to relax. But as Sandy gets a glimpse into the funny, kind, sexy man under Carter’s mild-mannered exterior, he sees that with a little care and feeding, Carter might be Super-Pet Owner—and decent boyfriend material to boot.
But Carter needs to see himself as a hero first. As he says good-bye to his pristine house and hello to carpet treatments and dog walkers, he finds that there really is more to himself than a researching drudge without a backbone. A Carter Embree can rate a Sandy Corrigan. He can be supportive, he can be a hero, he can be a man who stands up for his principles!
He can be the owner of a small dog.
Now available from Riptide Publishing. http://riptidepublishing.com/titles/freckles
About Amy Lane
Amy Lane exists happily with her noisy family in a crumbling suburban crapmansion, and equally happily with the surprisingly demanding voices who live in her head.
She loves cats, movies, yarn, pretty colors, pretty men, shiny things, and Twu Wuv, and despises house cleaning, low fat granola bars, and vainglorious prickweenies.
She can be found at her computer, dodging housework, or simultaneously reading, watching television, and knitting, because she likes to freak people out by proving it can be done.
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To celebrate the release of Freckles, one lucky winner will receive Freckles in ebook and another ebook of their choice from Amy’s backlist! Leave a comment with your contact info to enter the contest. Entries close at midnight, Eastern time, on November 19, 2016. Contest is NOT restricted to U.S. entries. Thanks for following the tour, and don’t forget to leave your contact info!