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Book Title: #IsHeHereYet: Being the person you want to be with
Author: Dr. Tony Ortega
Publisher: Ortega Psychology LLC
Genre/s: Non-Fiction, Self-Help, LGBT, Dating/Relationships, Motivational, Psychology
Length: 172 pages
Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Words is happy to host Dr. Tony Ortega here today talking about his latest book. Welcome, Dr. Ortega.
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The top seven tips leading clinical psychologist and spiritual coach Dr. Tony Ortega gives to people who are fed up with jumping from one disastrous date/relationship to another.
Top seven tips…
I get it. You are over dating in general. You want the merry go round of disastrous first dates to end and find “the one.” Here are some tips to decrease the discouragement you may be feeling.
Tip 1: Don’t let the past get in the way of your present. Not every date will be a disaster.
Many times, we approach dating from our perspectives on the past. We keep a self-imposed imaginary scorecard to measure future paramours. But the key is to approach each new dating experience as just that—a new dating experience. Be present to what is in front of you. I have had disastrous first dates that were amazing learning experiences. I have also had amazing first dates that led nowhere.
Tip 2: Don’t take the date so seriously. Treat it like a job interview.
When we think we click well with a person prior to meeting them for a date, we automatically want them to be the one. We think, “Gee, we are clicking so well via phone/text/messaging. This has got to be the one.” But electronic connection does not always translate to actual physical connection. By approaching dating as a job interview, it decreases the pressure of this date being “the one.”
When we are dating, we are essentially interviewing candidates for a position in our “corporation.” For anyone who has ever had a management position in their actual work life, we know that not all candidates who apply for the position are appropriate. Some of the candidates may look good on paper but when they come in for their interview, we see that what they put on their resumes was a very nice elaboration of actual details and not factual. So, we continue to interview candidates. Dating works the same way.
Tip 3: Stop taking rejection so personally.
I heard it said somewhere that rejection has nothing to do with you (unless, of course, you show up for your first date smelling like crap and acting rude). Rejection is one of you saying no to the notion of you and them as a unit. They are not rejecting you as a person. They can’t reject you as a person because they are not you. Only you can reject you personally. I have faced rejection many times and have felt devastated. However, thanks to social media, I was able to see later that I truly dodged massive bullets.
Does everyone who is attracted to you get your reciprocation? Does everyone you are attracted to reciprocate? It’s not realistic that everyone we are attracted to will be attracted to us and vice versa. Besides, we don’t want to keep that initial type of attraction that we may be having; we want to develop a deeper attraction to the person as we get to know them.
Tip 4: We don’t get it right every time.
Okay, folks. For any of you who are physically active, whether it be some form of exercise or a sport, did you get it right the first time? How long did it take you to get competent in what you are doing? Dating is not a genetically encoded ability like being right-handed. It’s a skill we build over time, so don’t be so hard on yourself if you don’t get it right every time. You will get better with practice. So why continue to go on dates? To develop the musculature.
Tip 5: What’s your motive for dating?
Maybe the reason you keep going on one disastrous date after another is because you are approaching dating with the wrong motives. There’s this amazing book called #IsHeHereYet: Being The Person You Want To Be With, which talks about being the best version of yourself first and then seeing what shows up in your romantic life. All kidding aside, though, think of why you want to date. Are you dating because you want to share your life with someone, or are you wanting to not be single, and be like everyone else? If you approach dating with any sense of self-lack and you hope a relationship will cure that, you will attract one disastrous date after another.
Tip 6: How are you showing up for the date?
I have been on dates where the dude is super arrogant and as much as I would love to bone him, I know it won’t go beyond the boning. I have also gone on dates with guys who are clinging and needy, and I clearly do not go beyond that first date. No boning required. And then I have been on dates where the man was unapologetically himself, super authentic, and fun to be around. Ask yourself: Who is the person who is showing up for this first date (meaning you, by the way)? Are you showing up for the date arrogantly, clingy, or unapologetically you? Your presentation can do so much to steer the direction of the date.
Tip 7: It’s not the end of the world.
Folks, it’s dating; not solving world hunger. If you go on bad dates, what did you lose? A few hours? A few dollars? The reason why folks get so overwhelmed with dating is because they are so invested in them working out for the wrong reasons. Regardless of your motives or results, it’s not the end of the world if you have one disastrous first date after another. At some point, if you do the work, you will get different results.
Blurb
#IsHeHereYet: Being the Person You Want to Be With is an extremely raw (and funny) look at the perceived epidemic of being single in our quest for love. It dismantles the notion that there is something that we need to do in order to bring in “The One.” Instead, it challenges you to be “The One” and see what shows up then. Regardless of the outcome, the end result will be the best version of you possible. This book is geared toward single and partnered people alike. Through personal and professional accounts of real life situations, as well as thought expanding exercises and meditation tools, the reader will leave with a greater understanding and concept of themselves. They will be able to “date themselves” and create the space to naturally attract loving and authentic relationships.
Buy Links – Available on Kindle Unlimited
Availability: Paperback, eBook, International distribution
Excerpt
They say your deepest pain becomes your greatest purpose. And this pain was fucking deep.
The catalyst of this book was a breakup. It is ironic that a breakup influenced the development of a relationship book; or, maybe not so ironic. For centuries, artists have created beautiful things from unrequited love. A broken heart has been at the foundation of many of history’s greatest masterpieces.
So, here is a little history: I pride myself on being a very accomplished man. Most of my endeavors are met with a great deal of success. However, there was one area that had eluded me most of my life: relationships. I was convinced I was doomed to be single—as every relationship with a guy I ever had ended in a disaster. I was so miserable being single that I would do everything in my power not to be single. When relationships ended, I did everything I could to avoid the pain. I thought I wasn’t good enough for relationships.
I lived in this story for many, many years. As relationships kept failing, I would shake my fist at God, or see myself as “different” or “less than” because of it. This all led to me getting into some very dark places in my life.
The evening of Friday, November 2, 2012, I was sitting on the toilet in my apartment in Queens, half drunk on frozen margaritas, smoking a Marlboro Light, and arguing with my “boyfriend” over forty dollars. (I use the word “boyfriend” in quotations because it was a relationship he had no idea he was in.) At that moment, I woke up—with a deep knowing that this relationship was over. I felt so pathetic that I ended the conversation, took a long last drag off the cigarette, and knew something had to change.
I decided to take hold of the wheel of my life and change direction. Over the next couple of years, the right people, the right books, and the right programs came my way. While some bounced in and out just to jumpstart my spiritual path, others have remained, mainly my study of the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles. It was the teachings in this text, combined with my spiritual and metaphysical work, which led me to unravel the things I was using to numb out and begin to feel more alive.
After beginning my spiritual journey and immersing myself in A Course in Miracles, I decided to work with a life coach; someone who seemed to have the well-rounded kind of life that I wanted— including a wonderful relationship. A relationship was one of the things I had not yet been able to successfully work out at the time, maybe because I was avoiding, or too busy working on myself. Through my work with this coach, I was able to rewrite the scripts I had been living under for most of my life and dive head first into the dating pool. It was easy at first, and I still stumbled on many occasions as my dating muscles had atrophied quite a bit in the years that I had not exercised them, but I kept taking that next right step.
On March 3, 2016, I met Fernando, the man of my dreams (or so I thought back then). While we had been talking for months online, we had not met before our date. I turned him down for sex over and over again as I was initially not really into him. But I began to think he seemed to have all the qualities I wanted in a man, which is why I continued to hold off on a one-night stand. He was equal parts sexual and spiritual. He was gainfully employed and seemed as motivated to work on himself as I was.
Fernando even matched most of the qualities I had listed in my “Manventory” I had completed New Year’s Day 2016 (more on Manventories later). I figured, Let’s meet and see what happens. When I first met him, I was like, Homeboy photographs a lot better than he looks in person. After chatting with him for a while over drinks and then ending the date with an intense make-out session in the streets of New York City, I was smitten.
However, there were some speed bumps along the way. He was dealing with some personal issues that I felt would get in the way of anything blossoming from our union, but something told me to give him a chance. I made myself wrong for feeling this way and dove in with my eyes closed. We had a lovely relationship that lasted sixty-nine days. It wasn’t perfect, but it broke my then eight-year dry spell, and I was in love.
After a few weeks, he even said, “I love you.” This was thrilling because no one had said that to me in such a long time. I thought that I had achieved the prize from all my hard work since that fateful Friday night in 2012. I had learned my lessons from all my previous failed relationships and now found what I was longing for.
He even gave me the title of “boyfriend,” which only lasted seventy-two hours before he decided to take it away.
I turned into a state of fear for the remainder of the relationship and he ended things quite abruptly on May 10, 2016. I was devastated.
For the next six weeks, I felt completely at a loss over what to do to manage the pain. I numbed it through alcohol and sex. When I was more rational, I searched the Internet for books on gay relationships and breakups, but everything was so out of date. My coach was very supportive, but he was still in his wonderful relationship, and I felt like I couldn’t relate to him because he had what I wanted and but just lost. This is no reflection of his capacities as a life coach. On the contrary, the man is simply amazing. I just had to go through the emotions.
I decided that if there wasn’t a good, up-to-date, dating and breakup book for gay men, then I would write it. I was fed up with the “single-to-relationship” books that were currently on the market. It seemed that all of these particular books were “do this and get the relationship.” I decided it was time to write a dating and relationship book that was more along the lines of “do this, be the person, see what shows up.” At the time of writing this book, I am still single and dating.
About the Author
Dr Tony Ortega is a first-generation Cuban American gay man. He is a licensed clinical psychologist, life coach, and author who has been in practice since 1992, currently serving the LGBTQ population in his private practice located in Brooklyn, New York. Tony (along with his teaching partner, John Davisi) is the co-creator of the movement, RawSexySpiritual: Spirituality for Gay Men (www.rawsexyspiritual.com). Tony combines cognitive behavioural techniques along with active coaching and metaphysical principles in his work with clients. Additionally, Tony provides spiritual life coaching for individuals seeking a different way to live. He works with his clients within these three principles: Rewrite Your Story, Find Your Voice, and Live Authentically.
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