Category: Fantasy

When a Tit Should Be A Nip Or Leave Those Orbs Alone!

It is rant time on Scatteredthoughtsandroguewords because my breaking point has been reached, people!!!!  Since I became a guest reviewer on Joyfully Jay and started my blog, the number of books I have been reading has gone off the charts.  So it won’t surprise you all that some of the books I have been reading have been less than stellar and some have been just outstanding. The quality of the books has been all over the place but some truly awful world usage has popped up again and again.  And I can’t take it any more! So to all authors out there (and you know who you are), please I am begging you, cease and desist from the following:

Orbs: The use of the word orbs when describing eyes. No, no, no, and absolutingfuckatively no!  Eyes may be described as many things, windows of the soul, soulful, leering, squinty, bedroom, vacant but never an orb. Unless you are describing an alien, no that still doesn’t work.  Then its eyes on stalks, like these beauties pictured here.  Orbs are spheres, globes, balls, spheroids, spherules, circles.  One can say “My what a lovely orb you are carrying today, destruction of the universe on the agenda?” What I don’t hear or want to hear?  “My what lovely gray orbs you have? From your mother’s side of the family?” Yet, I have picked up two books in a row (and read several more) in which the main character describes the hunk in front of him with blue gray orbs, or fiery orbs, or who cares what color orbs.

It stops me cold. Especially when the author has done a wonderful job otherwise.  So please stop. Run over to Val Kovalin’s site and read/buy the article How To Describe Eyes  on obsidianbookshelf.com.  Then laminate it and stick it above the laptop or whatever you use to write with. When you get the urge to splurge with the vocabulary and start to type orb – stop.  If you have already done the deed, then become acquainted with Find and Replace.  Use it often. Find “orb” replace with “eye.” It’s simple.  I am begging you here! Don’t make me come find you!

Of Tits and Nips: There I was, happily ensconced in bed with my Kindle, reading this smoking hot sex scene.  I have my glass of wine and I’m popping bon bons like bullets shooting out of a AK 47 as the two main characters finally strip off each others clothes as a prelude to some hot man love.  John/Ethan/Insert Name runs his hands lovingly over Zane/Troy/Adam/Whoevers chest and then gives his tits a twist. Wait! What?  Did I just read that right?  I quickly put down the bon bons and scan that paragraph again. I enlarge the font and read “Hank/Ralph/Morey then proceeds to lick and bite Stan/Harry/Mordecai’s tits like a milk-starved calf reunited with his mother.”  Yep, it’s still tits.  The Kindle gets cold in my hands as I contemplate a chest and sex scene gone wrong.

When I think of a man’s chest  (and the good Lord knows I do), it’s those wonderful sexy nipples that grab my attention first.  Large or small, tight or at ease, all colors, it doesn’t matter.  I just love them.  I like to look at them. I like to read about them. Except when they are described as tits.  Right or wrong, to me the word tit has feminine connotations.  Woman have beautiful tits, gorgeous breasts, outstanding tatas, basooms, gazongas, whatever.  We have oodles of names for womens breasts.  Men who gender identify as women and men transitioning to women have tits. But men? Straight or gay men? Well then, it’s nipples all the way or nips if you prefer.  If you have a man nipping the nip in a story, I am allfor it.  Go on, lick that nip! Have your way with it! Just please don’t call it a tit.  I have read descriptions where they were called tight buds, and I am okay with that.  Nubs?  That’s good too.   Rub that nub !  But tits? When you get the urge, just take a gander at the picture above. And just say no.

 
Smiling Crookedly:  This is just a minor pain that is looking to evolve into a major one with each new book that I read.  Again, don’t get me wrong, I love characters that have that snarky, crooked grin. Usually it is pasted on the face of some scalawag trying to get a rise out of our hero and that grin just says you know he will succeed.  But lately, some authors just can’t leave it at one or two references a story, or even a chapter.  Once they start, the use of that crooked grin just steamrolls until it is the only facial expression that one character has.

I love it when the character beams, smiles from ear to ear, or has a broad or shy grin. And what has happened to the scowl? The frowny face?  The leer?  Please let us not forget to have our characters frown, glower, glare, grimace, give the occasional black or dirty look.  I do see lots of smirks these days as well.  Let’s not forget our characters can still be smug, snicker, and have a smothered laugh every now and again. This is just a cautionary plea to all authors.  Please don’t botox your characters into facialimmobility and one expression hunks. The characters,your stories and the reader deserve far better than that.  Just picture your male ideal, leaning in that oh so sexy manner against the wall, watching you.  Could you take a crooked smile all day or after a few hours or so are you ready to slap his face off? See?  Let’s keep those crooked smiles at a minimum please.  Thank you.

I am winding down here.  Just writing about these things will give me nightmares. Oh, and I am sure this is only Part 1 as other poor or overused word choices come to mind.  So let me leave you with a visual to make some of this come together
.What do you see when you look at these? Are those orbs on tits? Or eyes in jars?  Can orbs with crooked smiles and tits be far behind? Thoughts like these will send me running into the closet and shutting the doors. *shudder*   You authors out there !  You have the power to stop this!  Use the force wisely!  We beg you!

And send me those words that make you hurl when you see them in a story.  I am making a list. And checking it twice!

And stay tuned for more Vocabulary Gone Bad!

Review of Vertigo by Michael Mandrake

Rating: 3 stars

London, England 1916. Dr. Hayden Curry is having a rough time of it.  He is a renowned scientist whose recent experiments have all failed and his longtime lover, companion, and assistant in the lab, Lawrence, has been committed to a mental institution.  Then there is the guilt Hayden is feeling of being the person who signed the papers locking Lawrence away in Dr. Gothersbury’s Clinic for the mentally impaired.  A  call from the city morgue interrupts his ennui and informs him that they have something of unknown origins for him to investigate. The “thing” turns out to be a dead body but is it human or animal?  It seems to have the attributes of both.  Intrigued, Hayden and his man servant, Berrows, collect the body and head home to the lab. Just as he is to begin his autopsy the thing comes alive, introduces himself as David, and asks for the Doctor’s help in finding out how he came to be.  Nonplussed Hayden watches in bemusement as David shifts from a manbeast into a gorgeous young man, the most beautiful he has ever seen.

The mystery of David interests the scientist in Hayden while the handsome man stirs up lust and desires Hayden had thought gone with Lawrence.  But is David really what he seems?  As Hayden becomes more befuddled and obsessed with David, David slowly takes over the Doctor’s life in every aspect.  Can Hayden uncover the truth behind David before it is too late to save himself?

Vertigo is an apt title as David succeeds in keeping Hayden Curry off balance for the duration of the story. The same can be said for the reader. And to my mind, it results in the same end for both of us.  As a reader and reviewer, Vertigo, stands for a succession of missed opportunities as well as the author never achieving a balance of plot and characterization.  There are several plots contained within this story, mashed together in a patchwork frame.  It starts out promisingly enough, with the thought that the author is going into a historial Werewolf in London theme when David’s original werewolf physique shifts back to human.  But that storyline is quickly dispatched as the plot sequeways into a Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde  whenever David’s plans/wishes/demands are not met.  When thwarted, David shifts back into the original creature whose threats and menace force Hayden to do as creature wishes, including having sex with him, drinking of his liguids (sweat, semen, blood) etc..  I thought we were looking at a gay take on duality of nature theme, which I would have loved to have read. Then as more of David’s backstory emerges Vertigo turns into a demon cast from Heaven horror tale and all becomes lost with a plodding story and characters whose menace has now vanished into a mawkish, and obsessive love.

Another problem is the character of Dr. Hayden Curry.  He is just an unpleasant man.  He is vain, selfish, self absorbed, and thinks society revolves around him. This would have worked in the story’s favor had it turned into a tale of comeuppance and the tribulations that await someone who gets what they wish for.  And the reader gets a glimpse of that now and again.  But clearly Michael Mandrake wishes us to sympathize with Hayden and the path he has chosen for himself, to walk along side his demon lover no matter the consequences.  The upshot of this is that I could have cared less what happened to either Hayden or David, or anyone else in their circle.

The only victim here is that of Lawrence who makes a brief reappearance late in the story and is the fulcrum for the remaining drama that is Hayden’s life at this point. Lawrence is an innocent, undeserving of his fate and as a object of Hayden’s love,  He is another missed opportunity as the only likable person introduced in the story. The fate the author has in store for him is dreadful while clearly intended to be the exact opposite.  He emerges from his captivity still in love with Hayden, trustful and ready to take up where they left off.  Instead, the tag team of David and Hayden will leave him with a gap in his memory and a suicide to deal with.  Not my idea of making amends for the terrible things both David and Hayden did to Lawrence and another misstep by an author who has lost their way with this story.

David is the final main problem here.  As a man, he is controlling,self centered and disagreeable, as a beast he maintains a sufficient threat as to be menacing  and is the most interesting in this form, but finally as a demon, well he is just not very demon like.  He had wandered the earth being the “rumination of man” then spots the child that is to be his eternal love , acts more petulant than obsessed, pouts and has bouts of sullenness. But a mighty demon cast from Heaven? No, that just does not figure into the equation.  He is just not that evil or should I say believably evil.   David the evil demon.  *shakes head*

All the disparate plot lines gather together into an preposterous ending where God is unhappy with the plot (as is the reader), takes away all their powers, and Hayden flings himself out the window on his way to death and a happy eternity spent with David doing Satan’s deeds.  No really they are very happy together. Well, except for the fact that Hayden is clothed in the garments he was buried in, but that is just a trifle.

There were minor issues such as modern American phrases and notions coming from a 1916 London setting and background.  I realize that this is a fantasy but a little homework would have alleviated this problem. Minor Rant Alert! I also have problems with the usage of the word “orb” when used in conjunction with or as a description of eyes.  There are blue orbs, fiery orbs, and so on.  I wish that every author using this as a noun  for eyes immediately select Find and Replace in the Tool section and use it to delete the word orb in every reference. This cannot go on.  I don’t know about you but when I look at a person I don’t think “What lovely orbs they have.” Most people don’t,  so why use it in a story? This cannot be solely attributed to Michael Mandrake as I recently read no less than two other books with the same issue. This was just the breaking point. So please no more orbs unless they are magical ones used by sorcerers.  End rant.

Vertigo is the second book I have read of Michael Mandrake’s and I think the author has promise.  Perhaps a good editor and some crit partners would be of assistance in eliminating some of the problems I had with this novel.  Vertigo has some wonderful stories buried within it, just not the one the author chose in the end.  And that is a real shame.

Cover: The cover is as confused as the story.  Vertigo takes place in London in 1916, so what are the modern cover boys doing here?  And that font is terrible.

Review of Blacker Than Black by Rhi Etzweiler

Reviewed for JoyfullyJay blog where I am a guest reviewer:

Rating: 4.5 stars

Black and Jhez are twin Nightwalkers, those who sell their chi or life force to the vampires that now rule the world.  Living in the shadows and tenements of the blue-light district of York, they thrive where other Nightwalkers soon wither and fall.  Their secret?  They steal the chi of their vampire clients even as they are selling theirs, a silent, stolen exchange of energy that has kept them alive for decades.

One unfortunate choice of a john changes everything for them.  Black picks Monsieur Garthelle as the john for the night, not recognizing the master vamp of the city.  What should have been a simple selling of Black’s chi (and the taking of a sliver of Garthelle’s energy) turns explosive, with Black running back to the streets, shaken beyond belief.  When Garthelle recovers, he tracks the twins down, confronts them and forces both to work for him as spies against other vampire families.  Facing not only the loss of their liberty and possibly their lives, they quickly discover nothing is what it seems to be, especially after a high placed vampire is murdered at Garthelle’s home.  Who are their enemies?  Who can be trusted?  What is the nature of the vampires obsession with them?

What a story.  I am going to say right off the bat, that this review is very frustrating to write.  I don’t want to give away any spoilers because who doesn’t love that “huh, didn’t see that coming” moment in stories they are reading?  And trust me, there are quite a few of those here.  The author plays with several themes here, fluidity and changeability run throughout the book.  Whether it is the changing nature of human society, the vampire families and their alliances, right down to the basic natures of human/vampire natures, all is constantly in flux.  The characters and the reader both can be certain of nothing as the story deepens.

The story unfolds from Black’s POV.  From the new world order to the skanky streets the twins live and work on, Black’s confusion is our confusion.  I like that the details of how the vampires came to rule are left deliberately vague.  The author has left our imaginations to fill in the gruesome blanks.  There are black holes of knowledge every where just waiting for the characters (or reader) to stumble and fall into in this story.  Just as the characters discover one alliance that may affect the balance of power, another event happens to undo all they have learned.   And that seesawing plays out so nicely as layer upon layer comes off and more of the plot is revealed.

I think the author has done a wonderful job of characterization here, not only with Black, but with Garthelle, Jhez, and Blue, a close friend of the twins.  Each different yet completely memorable.  What we learn of the new world everyone inhabits is gleaned through gritty realistic details of littered streets and grim despair of the human condition contrasted with the glossy buildings of obsidian black of the ruling vampires.

And speaking of vampires or the Lyche as they call themselves.   This is a different take on vampirism, combining elements of the traditional European vampires with that of the succubus/incubus type energy feeders to arrive at a vampire that seems old and fresh at the same time.  Familiar enough not to throw one off but with some new elements that make you sit up and take notice.  Very well done with vivid imagery that portrays the nature of chi exchange each character undergoes during a feeding.

That is not to say that there aren’t some slow parts where the narrative bogs down.  There are too many descriptions of Garthelle’s apartment building or rooms in his mansion, too much black.  I am going to assume that  this was intentional as the author is very careful in the construction of this story.  I was finding myself wondering how many times the author would find a way to insert the word black or blacker in terms of decor, apparel, or anything as a matter of fact.  I had black fatigue in some places.  But oh the pyrotechnics at the end.  They are wonderful.  A great way to end the journey of a thousand fun house mirrors.

And yes, I am still dying to tell you some spoilers.  But my lips are sealed and I am throwing away the key.

Cover:  Cover art by Del Melchionda. Love the cover.  It is lush and absolutely perfect in tone and graphics for the story. I even feel there is a hint here as well to one of the first twists in the story.  Great job.

Review of Sunset (Pact Arcanum #1) by Arshad Ahsanuddin

Written for JoyfullyJay

Review of Sunset (Pact Arcanum #1) by Arshad Ahsanuddin

Rating: 4 stars

The year is 2040.   A terrorist appears during an Oscar-like awards show and threatens to blow up the city with an atomic bomb unless her demands are met.  Rising from the audience to deal with the threat is Nicholas Jameson, known rock star.

As the clock ticks down the minutes to detonation, it is not only millions of lives at stake. Nick is also hiding a secret of monumental importance. Nick is Daywalker and one of the most powerful members of a secret supernatural society made up of Nightwalkers (vampires) , Daywalkers (vampires with souls), and Sentinels (warriors of the Light, vampire killers).  For tens of thousands of years,  unbeknownst to Humans among them, enemies Nightwalkers and Sentinels have lived and warred.  In secret, they created their own cultures and societies,  even as they strove for each others total destruction.  Then came the Redeemer and he offered the two sides a way to coexist without the constant warfare. Those Nightwalkers that accepted the Armistice became Daywalkers who worked with the Sentinels to keep the peace.  Now all is threatened when circumstances demand that Nick reveal his  true nature to the terrorist and the Human world watching the award telecast live.

Foes to the Armistice come from all sides as the Human governments react to the new reality of beings more powerful and advanced living among them and Nightwalkers seek to rule once more.  The Society needs a leader and looks to Nick to help save the Armistice and their existence.  But Nick is haunted by his past and his weakness is a threat to all near him.  Can Nick surmount his traumatic past and become a hero the world needs?

Sunset (Pact Arcanum #1) is the first in a series of seven books (the seventh book is called Book #4) written by Arshad Ahsanuddin.  The Pact Arcanum series is world building on an epic and labyrinthine scale.    There are so many convoluted and confounding layers to this story that the maze of King Midos begins to look like a game of Chutes and Ladders next to it.  For me it never bodes well that the Introduction is pages of the Hierarchies of the Nightwalker, Daywalker and Sentinel societies, complete with Titles you won’t remember (i.e, ” Imperator: Adjudicator between vampire Houses, called the Huntmaster Magister: Leader of a vampire House, called the Prince (gender neutral)” etc.), places and names of places too numerous to remember, and a cast roster you won’t need to remember as each character is well introduced within the confines of the novel.  Whereas maps help place events, information lists of this nature impede the forward motion of the story and is unnecessary if the exposition is clear.

Sunset starts out with great promise.  As Chapter one and the story opens, the award ceremony is underway and the terrorists are taking their places inside the auditorium.  The tension increases as the terrorists make themselves known, the bomb is unveiled, and Nick is forced to reveal himself to the world.  I love fantasy stories and when the author has created a universe within a series of books, I am filled with anticipation of days ahead of joyous reading.

At Chapter 5, I start to get that “duhoh” feeling as time starts to jump ahead.  Chapter 6 is “five hours after public exposure”.  Chapter 7? That is “four hours earlier, two hours after public exposure”.  Chapter 10 and its now January 2040, one day after public exposure.  Each chapter is a different time frame, most of the time.  Sigh.  Chapter 11 and its February 2040, two weeks after public exposure, Chapter 12 takes place three hours earlier than Chapter 11.  And on it goes as straight forward storytelling is abandoned in place of a high wire trapeze act, as time swings back and forth between each chapter.  Also most chapters describes where as well as when the chapter takes place, as in “Chapter  39, Armistice Embassy, Washington, D.C.; Five minutes earlier.” Then “Chapter 40 Armistice Security Headquarters, Anchorpoint City, Grand Mesa, Colorado; Thirty minutes later.”  Chapter 41 has no such description. It is just a continuation of the previous chapter.  For the sake of continuity, Chapter 41 should still be 40.  But this happens throughout the book.

Flat characterization is also a problem here.  Nicholas Jameson is a vampire that everyone is in love with to the point of aggression but I could never understand why the   character instills such passion in others.  I certainly didn’t feel it. In fact, none of the main characters here ever felt real.  At the very end of the book, I was sniffling over the death of a minor character, a “satellite” person brought in to achieve a goal the author had in mind.  This person was more fully actualized than any of the main characters introduced previously and the only one I actually cared about.  That is a sad fact.

Jeffrey Hirschberg in his “11 Laws of Great Storytelling” states “attentiveness (or lack thereof)  of the audience is directly related to its ability to make a successful emotional connection.” And he’s right.  I can tell that Arshad Ahsanuddin not only loves the world he has created but is a scientist as well due to all the minutiae created and recorded here.   In addition to the layers of Titles, titles given to powers, layers of titles within each court, there are also drawings of glyphs and symbols and drawings of weapons.  While such minutiae can enrich the storytelling experience, it can also serve to weigh down the momentum of the story under too many details until that “emotional connection” is lost.

Elmore Leonard’s Ten Rules of Writing*, Rule 10 is “Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.”

While this sounds humorous, it is also true. In sections of Sunset, the layers of details are so dense and numerous, the story grinds to a halt.  Desperate to find the story’s energy again, heck desperate to find just the story, I started to flip through the paragraphs, pages even, until the novel reached out to me once more.

Elmore Leonard’s Rules 8 and 9 also apply here.

8. Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.

9. Don’t go into great detail describing places and things.

But both are self explanatory and would make this review much too long.

As with Burn, another fantasy epic in the making, Sunset (Pact Arcanum#1) becomes powerful in the very last portion of the book, pulling the reader to the edge of the seat in suspense and anticipation of events unfolding.  But Sunset takes that emotional punch it just achieved and throws it away at the contrived ending.  I actually reread the last pages in disbelief, but this has to be where the author planned to take us all along.  It just does not seem to match the rest of the  book.

So I give Sunset 4 stars mostly because of the universe building and its details.  That is all very well done.  The story is a terrific one that gets lost in fragmented storytelling ,detail overload, and poor characterization.  The rest of the books are already written (including Books #2.5 and #3.5, along with 2, 3, 4 and Interludes).  But I think I will stop here.  There are other universes and fantasies on the horizon calling to me.  I think I will journey there instead.

Cover:  The Cover is glorious and so suitable for the story.  The illustrator is Craig Payst.