Category: M/M Supernatural Fiction

Treasure (The Lost Gods Book 1) by Megan Derr

Rating: 4.75 stars

One night in a deserted warehouse in Kundou, two lonely boys on the run meet and entwine their fates forever.  One wishes to become a ship’s captain. One seeks just one night of safety and refuge from beatings at home.  They exchange gifts and make a promise to each other.  One will buy a ship and come for the other.  And one will wait for him and they will run off together to find the greatest treasure in the world.   It will take years before they see each other again.

Nine hundred years ago the Dragons of the Three Storms, Gods of chaos went insane and tried to destroy the land of Kundou. But King Taiseiyou rose up, killed the dragons and stole their powers for himself. The cost the royal family pays to retain those magical powers? A sacrifice of a member of the royal family every hundred years and that time is almost here.

Now the  world is in trouble, cracks appearing in the political governments everywhere, food supplies are threatened, and even the supremacy of the seas that Kundou has always held is shaken by constant attacks by mermaids who kill entire crews, discard the cargo, and sink the ships. Prince Nankyokukai and Taka, his friend and royal secretary have a secret mission, or rather Prince Kyo does.  Taka doesn’t know the meaning of the errands that Prince Kyo is sending him on, only that they are the utmost importance to his only friend,  and that is all that matters to Taka.  The prince’s family, always so cold and distant towards it’s youngest son, has been taking more interest in his affairs of late and the heir to the throne has been more obnoxious and overbearing, if that is possible.  In secret, Prince Kyo and Taka head to  the city docks and a meeting with the city’s wealthiest merchant, Master Shimano Raiden. Huge in statue and personality, flamboyant in attire, sure and arrogant in attitude, Shimano Raiden is everything  Taka finds disdainful yet Kyo seems determined to do business with him.  Taka is astounded to learn that the reason behind Prince Kyo’s meeting is to arrange for clandestine passage out of Kundou, immediately. And only one ship’s captain and one ship will do, Captain Kindan Ningyo of the Kumiko.

Captain Kindan Ningyo and all aboard the Kumiko have had a rough voyage this trip and are looking forward to a few days to relax in the harbor before Raiden sends them out again.  The mermaid attacks are increasing and his ship is a favorite target.  Only a very few know the reason behind the ferocity and number of attacks on his ship, that he is half merman and hated by the sea bitches for his very existence.  His dual nature would also bring him trouble on land if known but Raiden keeps his secret.  But Kindan has another more hidden reason that he returns to Kundou’s harbor, he has a promise to keep.  Between a secret mission and a promise rests the fate of the world and the destiny of two boys turned men looking for that greatest treasure of all – love.

This book took me back to the years of reading with a flashlight under the covers.  Alone in my “cave” I visited alien worlds, met otherworldly beings and rode on the backs of dragons.  It was magical.  Everything seemed possible and real.  And Treasure brought all that back in one fell swoop.  Well, except for the sex of course but still a wondrous  time.  And with the worlds and characters she has created here, Megan Derr has given me an old fashioned tale of adventure and fantasy,  so satisfying a page turner that I was finishing it at 2am this morning and yelling for more.  Really! My dogs were quite upset at the racket!

There is so much to this story I don’t know where to start.  There is the seaside kingdom of Kundou, the sea power of the world with merchants and markets to match the cargo the ships bring in. So real is this world that you can feel the ships creak at their moorings, hear the gulls cry overhead, and listen to the shouts of merchants hawking their wares.  The palace itself is another wonder whose descriptions made me want a magic amulet the better to see the Shark Room with its mystical floor and lethal inhabitants. A perfect place for palace intrigue and mystery. Megan Derr doesn’t stop with Kundou.  She brings us the White Beasts of Verdun with their two skins, and  Pozhar peopled with beings with hearts and souls of fire. Layer upon fantastical layer, the worlds of Treasure emerge and solidify before our eyes.

Let’s not forget the characters because they are unforgettable.  You can tell if someone is from Kundou as they carry the colors of the sea in their eyes and hair, from the deepest blue through all the greens and back again. If you come from Pozhar, your hair and eyes display the pigments of fire. And the characters are as colorful as their physical descriptions.  Prince Kyo is beautiful, ruthless and cunning.  A priest as well as prince, he is an intriguing combination of religion, royal obligation, and romance  wrapped into one.  His willingness to sacrifice everything for the good of his people drives the voyage and the story forward.  Captain Kindan Ningyo is a wonderful creation, a mix of  seafaring Captain and fanged merman at war with his kin, white of skin and hair but black in his choice of garb.  As he and his crew fought back waves of mermaids, decks heaved, sprays of salt water rained over the men as blood flowed and the reader was in the middle of it all, feeling each hit, reeling with each slash of the knife. And then there is Taka and Master Raiden, they may actually be my favorites here.  Taka is full of surprises, a little prickly but quick to forgive, a trait that will be of utmost importance before the story is over.  He is fire where Kyo is ice,  he is loyalty personified and sensitive as to his position in life.  I just loved him.  Master Shimano Raiden is larger than life right down to the colorful robes and jewels he wears but he is a shrewd businessman and a complicated personality to match the multicolored layers of  clothes he is so fond of.  Each character beautifully detailed, so alive as to reach out from the page, grab you and pull you into the adventure with them.

Treasure so enchanted me that at the end I was shocked it was over, the tale a little unfinished.  The voyage had come to a satisfactory and surprising end with a twist I relished, but I wasn’t quite sure what came next for all those characters I had come to know and love. And it is that uncertainty that gives this tale a 4.5 instead of a 5.  The sequel, Burning Bright, is out there waiting to be read.  While I am not sure those of the sea fit into a story of flames, but I can always hope.  A tip of a cup full of wine of the dead to a tale well told and to another voyage on the horizon.

Cover:  Artist Le Burden Design. The cost looks like a seafaring map but I would have wished for a little more embellishment to go with a story of Lost Gods and dragons.

Available from Less Than Three Press.

Review of Nature of the Beast Outside The City #1 by Amylea Lyn

Rating: 4.25 stars

Raine O’ Kelley was different. Inside the Domed City conformity was the rule, starting with your physical attributes.  White blond hair and blue gray eyes, that was the norm, but not Raine.  His hair was the color of gold and his eyes were a deep green.  The fact that he varied from the norm was enough to guarantee that no women would ever choose him as a husband.  He wouldn’t even be employed if his influential father had not interceded with the government to get him a job.  He was too different even for his father, and his father knew his deepest secret, the manner in which Raine was truly, criminally different.

In a society where nature was outlawed and any possession of vegetation considered a felony, Raine could communicate with plants.  He could make them grow, and they sang to him.  In fact, plants were as necessary to Raine as was oxygen and blood.  His mother was gifted or cursed in the same way and because his father loved her, he allowed her a plant or two even though the government forbade it. When she died, his father removed all the plants only to watch his son sicken and fade. His father brought one back but only because Raine was the last link he had to the woman he loved.

Now Raine works for the government and hides his gift behind locked doors in his apartment, where his bedroom has a living carpet of grass and forbidden plants take up  all available space.  Then he is found out and sent to prison for life.  Abused daily by the guards and with no contact with plants, Raine starts to die.  The guards throw him to The Beast, a fearsome monster kept to dispose of prisoners and a miracle happens.  The Beast protects him, takes care of him.  The Beast turns out to be more a tortured man than animal and the two are drawn together.  When Raine discovers The Beast comes from Outside the City, and that the guards intend to kill them, escape becomes paramount.  Will their relationship hold firm in the face of obstacles both inside and outside of the City?  Or will animalistic nature of The Beast destroy their bond first.

This story both frustrated and delighted me.  Amylea Lyn’s Domed City is a dystopian society that we have seen before.  A city ruled by an oppressive government is walled off from all nature.  It’s inhabitants live a grey life in a grey city under a dome that let’s in very little light.  While the idea is not original, the author does a wonderful job with her descriptions of the uniformity of city life and its denizens.  But where she shines is in her creation of Raine O’Kelley.  Raine’s life force is entertwined with plants, energy and love flowing between them.  So vivid are the description of Raine’s interaction with nature that the story dimmed as the plot took a different direction.

The Beast is Ashlon, lost son of the chief of the Katria.  One of his own people betrayed him, and he was taken into captivity by city guards. Ashlon has been tortured and beaten for years in the prison under the City. His memory of his life outside has dimmed and his Beast has taken control in order to survive.  The prologue tells the story of Ashlon’s capture from his POV and gives us a strong introduction to the Beast.  Ashlon’s confusion and rage comes through so beautifully that it was a little jolting to have him disappear after the Prologue. Chapters pass by before we see him again.

Raine has obtained his seeds and plants through the black market and I loved the glimpses we are given of the nature underground that manages to survive the Government interdict.  When Raine’s secret garden is discovered and he is arrested at work,  he manages to send a message to an anonymous source who wisks away his plants before the guards can destroy them.  What a tantalizing glimpse into a forbidden section of  society.  I wanted more, much more of this plot line.  Instead, we get Raine convicted of his crime and sent to prison, where he is gang raped each night, and forced into a work detail by day.  Not surprisingly, Raine starts to die.  A trip to the infirmary becomes a death sentence and a trip to The Beast’s cell.

Raine’s introduction to the Beast is a little muddled as his thoughts seem surprisingly clear for someone as sick and abused as he is. Previous descriptions show Raine broken and fading from the nightly sexual abuse by the prison guards but that seems to disappear inside The Beast’s cell. As both men become aroused by close contact with each other, I kept waiting for an appropriate response from Raine that would be in keeping with that of a rape victim.  It never happened.  There is a few fleeting mentions, once when Raine and The Beast are attacked by the Head Guard, and one in the village, but then it goes away completely.  And with that lack of reaction, the character of Raine became less real in my mind which was a shame as he is such a unique creation.

The plot redeems itself as the two main characters flee the prison and the City.  Again, the author rewards us with lush descriptions of the Outside and Katrian life inside their village.  But each time Raine’ gift comes forward in neat, creative little ways, I mourn the loss of a totally different plot and wish the story had taken a different turn.  Especially during a major fight towards the end, where the symbiotic nature between Raine and the plants comes to the fore.  I loved this!  And it was such a strong part of the plot that the shifter side of the story seemed a little mundane.

So while I did enjoy this book, the shadow of a greater one lurking behind it kept me from giving it a higher rating.  I look forward to more books by Amylea Lyn and the fulfillment of the promise of an extraordinary story shown here.

Cover: Artist: Reese Dante.  The cover is terrific.  From the terrific graphics to the font style, the cover design both delights and informs you of the story within. Great job.

Available from Silver Publishing, Amazon and ARe.

Review of Battle of Hearts by Valentina Heart

Rating: 4.5 stars

For years, vampires and shifters had remained hidden from human societies, an uneasy truce keeping the peace between them.  Then a blood crazed vampire kills two shifter cubs and the war is on.  Years later, the war has reduced the numbers of all involved, and the few humans left have been forced to take sides in order to survive.  Valerian, a wolf shifter, is one of three Alphas in a combined pack of shifters of all species.  He is their top hunter and he is relentless in his duties. The constant fighting and killing have taken an emotional toll and Valerian keeps himself isolated in all ways from those around him, his world narrowed down to fucking and fighting.

Teddy, a cougar shifter, has been wandering alone since he was kicked out of his pride by his father, a follower of the old ways of pride leadership.  Weary from constant fighting and hungry, Teddy lets his guard down to sleep and is captured by vampires looking for new sources of blood.  When he awakens, he is hanging upside being drained of his blood. The vampires have a new system, keeping shifters and humans in cages and just alive  enough to drain them daily until they die.  Weakened, Teddy prepares to die until a shifter pack led by Valerian enters the lair and rescues them all.

Valerian is unpleasantly surprised to find his mate among those shifters he has rescued, and a cougar no less.  While Valerian’s wolf howls for his mate, Valerian the man has no time for Teddy and tells him  in no uncertain and gruff terms.  Teddy too is less than pleased with Valerian as a mate and the battle of wills is on.  Can two strong willed and angry shifters let their guards down and accept each other as mate?  Or will the Battle of Hearts be lost?

I loved Valentina Heart’s take on shifters and vampires.  From the very first page, Heart paints a picture of a world so deteriorated that the buildings have turned to rubble, humans are in hiding, shifters of all types control the forests and  both vampires and shifters live in caves underground. All are constantly at war for supremacy and survival, the prevailing sense of desperation so real the reader can almost taste it. The characters here have been stripped down to basics and Valerian is a prime example of that.  He is all snarls and aggression, attributes needed in a professional killer and alpha.  Heart makes it clear that all the deaths and loss have inured him to affection and the possibility of love.  Even his cubs by various nameless females are relegated to the very outskirts of his memory, necessary to Valerian only as replacements for those lost in battle.

Teddy is a shifter you will take immediately into your heart.  He so desperately wants to find a home and a pack/pride that will accept him that when his original joy at finding a mate turns into dismay and anger over finding that Valerian is, in his words, a “dumbass”, you are right there with him in total agreement. Time and again, Teddy has to do battle with the cougar inside him who wants his mate no matter how many times he is rejected.  The name Teddy is a perfect choice for this character as it tells you so much about him.  He’s vulnerable, great of heart, brave and bristly. My heart was in my throat as Teddy goes from hurt inflicted by vampires to hurts meted out by his mate and back again. But as Teddy uncovers the redeeming features of Valerian’s personality, so does the reader and you start to pull for both of them to find the path to each other.

Lets not forget the secondary characters here as Valentina Heart certainly does not.  They are as beautifully drawn as the main ones of Teddy and Valerian.  In fact this entire book is populated by shifters that I would love to visit again and again so easy it is to wrap your arms around them.  How can you not love the idea of two domino playing alphas who never seem to shift away from their game yet still take care of pack business? The story is so well done right down to the smallest detail.  My only quibble here is that the fight at the end between our heros and main vampire  was over far too quickly considering the buildup.  I would have thought it would have been drawn out a little longer with more complications than it occurred in the book.  Still, a very satisfying ending. Valentina Heart was a new author for me and I look forward to reading her other books.  I hope that I will find that they are as well done as this one.  Great job all around.

Cover:  Cover artist is Reese Dante. What a sexy, gorgeous cover.  OK, yes, that is Valerian absolutely!  Love the graphics, love the fonts, and the addition of the sword is the topping!

Available from Silver Publishing, Amazon and ARe.

Mustard Pork Roast and the Week Ahead

Warm and misty and frustrated here in Maryland this morning.  All week I had  been hearing about the moon.   That it was going to be spectacular!  The closest to Earth it has been for a while and that it would appear freakin’ HUGE in the night sky.  I made my preparations.  Camera ready? Check.  Chair at hand? Check!   Finally dark?  Check!   Moon?  Uh, hello? Moon? That would be no!   As in not even a hint of light in the night sky! Nada, zip, nothing!  Clouds?  Yep, plenty of them.  But no moon.  It didn’t help to turn on the evening news and have the chirpy meteorologist post pictures of a fantastic Moon while dishing out his sympathy to those poor smucks (me) who didn’t get to see it due to  CLOUDS not forecast the evening before!  It will be 29 years before the Moon will be that close again and I will be ancient.  But you can rest assured I will be out in front looking for that damn Moon!

I am not the only one here in a frustrated state.  Out back in our small fish pond sings a lonely Leopard Frog.  He made it through the winter and the perilous visits of our Great Blue Heron only to croak out his status as the lone stud of the tiny pond.  Lately he had been croaking less. I guess he didn’t see much cause to continue.   Than I got out the small blue fountain from the shed, assembled it, and filled it with water, confident that our last  frost is gone for the year.  I didn’t notice it had attracted a visitor until later that afternoon.  Sure enough our lonely frog had taken a journey over to the new addition in the garden and found true love.  Here is the photograph to prove it:

Who knows if this love affair will continue?  It  might be very final if he doesn’t get his ass off that elevated fountain and back to the safety of the pond where he might be lonely but will also stay alive! I will let you know what happens.

 

So tonight is a wonderful pork recipe.  The house smells delicious when it is cooking and this dish is always so easy and great tasting.  It calls for pork tenderloins but works just as well with a pork roast.  The sauce isn’t heavy so it works well in spring and summer too.  Thanks to Laura Calder again!

Mustard Pork:

Ingredients:

1 tablespoon olive oil
2 pork tenderloins (about 8 ounces) or pork roast about 1 or 2 lbs
Salt and freshly ground pepper
About 3/4 cup Dijon mustard (plain or grainy) I use a combination of both
1 shallot, minced
1 cup dry white wine (use a good wine, I like a Sauvignon Blanc)
1 cup  creme fraiche or sour cream
2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F

Rub the oil in a roasting pan. Sprinkle the pork with salt and pepper and rub the pork all over with the mustard. Set it in the pan and pour in 1/2 cup water. Roast until the pork is tender, about 1 hour 30 minutes. (If the water evaporates in the pan, add a little more.)

Remove the pork to a serving dish and keep warm. Fry the shallot in the roasting pan on the stovetop. Deglaze with wine and boil to reduce by half. Stir in the sour cream or creme fraiche and rosemary, and reduce to sauce consistency. Check the seasonings. Slice the pork, pour the sauce on top and serve.  This dish has become a go to recipe here.  You just can’t go wrong with Mustard Pork.

Finally, let’s get to the week ahead shall we?

Monday:                                     Review of Battle of Hearts by Valentina Heart

Tuesday:                                     Review of Fairy Gift by J. K. Pendragon

Wednesday:                               Review of Marathon Cowboys by Sarah Black, our Spotlight author

Thursday:                                   Review of Nature of the Beasty by Amylea Lyn

Friday:                                         Review of The Beast’s Promise by Amylea Lyn

Saturday:                                     Bloggers Surprise as I have decided which book to go with yet.

 

So have a great week.  Check out the latest Vocabulary Gone Bad if you haven’t already! FF and I will see you soon. That’s frustrated frog to all of you.

Review of Oscar Leopard’s Spots #2 by Bailey Bradford

Rating: 3.75

Oscar Travis has always been the odd cat out in his Snow Leopard shifter family. He is physically smaller and his coloring is different. And he is the youngest of four brothers in a family that had been isolated by their shifter nature and geography from those around them. But if those differences weren’t enough, the childhood shock and disfigurement caused by getting caught in a steel trap ensured him of a sheltered position within his close knit family, while leaving him vulnerable to schoolyard bullies.

When Levi, his brother, takes a cougar as mate, everything changed. They now know there are other shifters out in the world. Lyndon, his new brother in law, is being threatened by his cougar shifter father and hunted by his siblings. During one such attack, Oscar had to kill one of Lyndon’s brothers in order to protect his family and that has left him traumatized to the extent that he is not eating or sleeping. When his father takes him to San Antonio to track down Lyndon’s father, Oscar decides a trip to a gay bar will alleviate the stress he has been under. Instead he ends up being targeted once again because of his size and looks by a group of men intent on the pretty boy in front of them. Only the intervention of Josiah Baker, alpha wolf and future mate, keeps the event from ending in disaster. But Oscar can’t handle either the situation or Josiah, and flees, leaving his mate to track him down.

As the situation with Lyndon’s family worsens and there are more attempts on Lyndon’s life, Oscar and Josiah must come to some reconciliation of their status as mates if they are to help save the family and find the happiness they seek.

Oscar is the second in the Leopard’s Spots series and should be read in sequence to get the full backstory of the Snow Leopard, Cougar, and Wolf families involved (see review for Levi here). The character, Oscar, is introduced in the first book, and to me he was immediately the most interesting character. While Oscar may be small in stature, he is large in attitude and deeply troubled by events that happened in his childhood. Because Oscar is small, pretty, and has a disfigured hand, he was an easy target for bullies in school, something he never told his parents. Then he figured out that he liked boys instead of girls, and the school bullies daily harassment threatened to turn lethal. Oscar dealt with these threats by not telling anyone, a common problem. Instead, as he aged he became aggressive at almost every instance. And this is the state Josiah, a large and imposing figure, finds him in. He realizes that Oscar is hurting emotionally and tries to find out the source of his pain. Then just as the relationship dynamics are getting interesting, the familiar story of large mate/small mate starts to play out as the duo accept their mated status, help protect the family from the cougar shifters, and my interest is lost.

Being bullied at school and its effect on Oscar was a key component of his character’s development. An added facet of this story is that as a shifter, Oscar had the physical tools to take down the kids threatening him, but couldn’t use them without outing his family’s secret. This added more stress to an already stressed out child who was already used to internalizing his problems and made Oscar a very relevant character in these times. All this combined to make Oscar a character multidimensional and worth remembering had the story gone in a different direction. What a story it would have made to see a shifter deal effectively with this situation that now grabs headlines daily.

I think that this book represents a missed chance on the author’s part to speak about the problem of bullying and its long term effects on its victims. Bradford clearly started to address this as it is brought up again and again throughout the story that Oscar has been damaged emotionally by his past. But then Lyndon’s family drama takes center stage with an abduction, Oscar and Josiah resolves their differences and mate, then its back to solving the problem of the cougar shifters. Been there, done that.

Without giving anything away, I will say the ending seemed too quick and unsatisfactory given the buildup it received. And this is a shame because Bradford can write convincing, realistic characters and put them into situations that we can recognize and empathize with even as their shifter nature removes them from our reality. This is the way Oscar started out. I just wish this is how Oscar had ended.

I will continue with the series as Oscar’s cousin heads to the Himalayas’ and the secret of the Snow Leopards. The promise of a better story and Oscar’s family history pulls me forward.

Cover:  Cover art by Posh Gosh. Once again, a beautiful cover that speaks for the story.  Great graphics and font style.  Just lovely.

First posted on Joyfully Jay where I am a guest  reviewer.

Review of Levi (Leopard’s Spots #1) by Bailey Bradford

Rating. 4.25 stars

Levi Travis is feeling overwhelmed during his family’s annual get together with the constant reminders of happy couples and families.  A little time alone in the woods in his shifter form, a snow leopard, will shake off the last of the family reunion hell or so he thinks.

Lyndon Hines is running from his past and a mysterious stalker that has tracked him through many states.  The trucker who gave him a ride has left him by the highway tired and hungry. The woods bordering the road look too inviting to pass up.  Lyndon, in his cougar form, is exploring the woods on the Travis family ranch when a musky aroma catches his attention. It’s Levi dozing in a glade.  Levi is startled as he has never met another shifter outside the family before. But Lyndon is everything Levi wants in a man, strong, dominant, and a shifter. Instant attraction flashes into a frenzied mating.  But afterward Lyndon flees and Levi is left hurt and confused.

The stalker finds Lyndon again and both men must put aside their fears and confusion to come together to save each other before its too late.

This is the first book in the Leopard’s Spots series by Bailey Bradford and she sets everything in place here for the books to come.  The reader is immediately introduced to Levi’s family and their shifter history.  Levi’s family is a large one full of likable and  endearing characters.   Characterization is one of Bailey Bradford’s strong suits and that is evident in this story. I loved them all, especially his youngest brother, Oscar.  Oscar has the second book in the series.

I like Levi too.  His physical body shouts dom while his actual nature is more submissive, something he has never been able to convey to the few sexual partners he has had. Lyndon on the other hand is as territorial and aggressive as his cougar’s nature. Lyndon’s character comes from a background of parental neglect and abuse. The author has added enough layers to each man that they are easy to sympathize with and understand. Both have been raised isolated from other shifters but in very different circumstances.  I can see the difference in histories playing out nicely over several books, including the theme of nature versus nurture in different shifter societies.

My one quibble here is that in setting the stage for Oscar and the second novel in the series, Bailey Bradford has made Oscar such a strong character that he almost takes the stage away from Levi and Lyndon.  I say almost because the blazing hot sex scenes between the two shifters are enough to bring out the fans.  Oscar will have to wait for his book.

Lastly, when I have read about or watched movie/shows about shifters, there seems to be two varieties.  Those that shift seamlessly from person to animal.  You know, one minute a person then instantly a wolf mid-leap (think Twilight commercials). And then there are those Werewolf in London transitions that are so popular as well.  You know, the torturous breaking of bones, stretching of skins, fangs emerging from bloodied mouths sort of thing that takes time and getting naked before hand. ( Reviewer’s note: when it comes to Joe Manganiello’s Alcide from True Blood, the more naked the better is my opinion).  The two types of shifters here each transition in a different way.  Cougars shift instantly into form while the snow leopards are more of the second variety.  I can’t help but wonder if this isn’t going to be a factor in the books coming up as I have not seen both types in one story before.  Either way it is an interesting take.

I am looking forward to Oscar’s story and exploring more of Bailey Bradford’s view of shifters.

Cover:  Art by Posh Gosh. Well, isn’t this just a gorgeous cover.  Gorgeous cats, gorgeous men, great fonts.  What’s not to love?  Again, my only quibble is with the model types here.  Both men in the book are large, masculine and hairy.  Not exactly the body type of the young man in front. He is more in keeping with Oscar.  Where is a truly hairy chest when you need one?

When a Tit Should Be A Nip Or Leave Those Orbs Alone!

It is rant time on Scatteredthoughtsandroguewords because my breaking point has been reached, people!!!!  Since I became a guest reviewer on Joyfully Jay and started my blog, the number of books I have been reading has gone off the charts.  So it won’t surprise you all that some of the books I have been reading have been less than stellar and some have been just outstanding. The quality of the books has been all over the place but some truly awful world usage has popped up again and again.  And I can’t take it any more! So to all authors out there (and you know who you are), please I am begging you, cease and desist from the following:

Orbs: The use of the word orbs when describing eyes. No, no, no, and absolutingfuckatively no!  Eyes may be described as many things, windows of the soul, soulful, leering, squinty, bedroom, vacant but never an orb. Unless you are describing an alien, no that still doesn’t work.  Then its eyes on stalks, like these beauties pictured here.  Orbs are spheres, globes, balls, spheroids, spherules, circles.  One can say “My what a lovely orb you are carrying today, destruction of the universe on the agenda?” What I don’t hear or want to hear?  “My what lovely gray orbs you have? From your mother’s side of the family?” Yet, I have picked up two books in a row (and read several more) in which the main character describes the hunk in front of him with blue gray orbs, or fiery orbs, or who cares what color orbs.

It stops me cold. Especially when the author has done a wonderful job otherwise.  So please stop. Run over to Val Kovalin’s site and read/buy the article How To Describe Eyes  on obsidianbookshelf.com.  Then laminate it and stick it above the laptop or whatever you use to write with. When you get the urge to splurge with the vocabulary and start to type orb – stop.  If you have already done the deed, then become acquainted with Find and Replace.  Use it often. Find “orb” replace with “eye.” It’s simple.  I am begging you here! Don’t make me come find you!

Of Tits and Nips: There I was, happily ensconced in bed with my Kindle, reading this smoking hot sex scene.  I have my glass of wine and I’m popping bon bons like bullets shooting out of a AK 47 as the two main characters finally strip off each others clothes as a prelude to some hot man love.  John/Ethan/Insert Name runs his hands lovingly over Zane/Troy/Adam/Whoevers chest and then gives his tits a twist. Wait! What?  Did I just read that right?  I quickly put down the bon bons and scan that paragraph again. I enlarge the font and read “Hank/Ralph/Morey then proceeds to lick and bite Stan/Harry/Mordecai’s tits like a milk-starved calf reunited with his mother.”  Yep, it’s still tits.  The Kindle gets cold in my hands as I contemplate a chest and sex scene gone wrong.

When I think of a man’s chest  (and the good Lord knows I do), it’s those wonderful sexy nipples that grab my attention first.  Large or small, tight or at ease, all colors, it doesn’t matter.  I just love them.  I like to look at them. I like to read about them. Except when they are described as tits.  Right or wrong, to me the word tit has feminine connotations.  Woman have beautiful tits, gorgeous breasts, outstanding tatas, basooms, gazongas, whatever.  We have oodles of names for womens breasts.  Men who gender identify as women and men transitioning to women have tits. But men? Straight or gay men? Well then, it’s nipples all the way or nips if you prefer.  If you have a man nipping the nip in a story, I am allfor it.  Go on, lick that nip! Have your way with it! Just please don’t call it a tit.  I have read descriptions where they were called tight buds, and I am okay with that.  Nubs?  That’s good too.   Rub that nub !  But tits? When you get the urge, just take a gander at the picture above. And just say no.

 
Smiling Crookedly:  This is just a minor pain that is looking to evolve into a major one with each new book that I read.  Again, don’t get me wrong, I love characters that have that snarky, crooked grin. Usually it is pasted on the face of some scalawag trying to get a rise out of our hero and that grin just says you know he will succeed.  But lately, some authors just can’t leave it at one or two references a story, or even a chapter.  Once they start, the use of that crooked grin just steamrolls until it is the only facial expression that one character has.

I love it when the character beams, smiles from ear to ear, or has a broad or shy grin. And what has happened to the scowl? The frowny face?  The leer?  Please let us not forget to have our characters frown, glower, glare, grimace, give the occasional black or dirty look.  I do see lots of smirks these days as well.  Let’s not forget our characters can still be smug, snicker, and have a smothered laugh every now and again. This is just a cautionary plea to all authors.  Please don’t botox your characters into facialimmobility and one expression hunks. The characters,your stories and the reader deserve far better than that.  Just picture your male ideal, leaning in that oh so sexy manner against the wall, watching you.  Could you take a crooked smile all day or after a few hours or so are you ready to slap his face off? See?  Let’s keep those crooked smiles at a minimum please.  Thank you.

I am winding down here.  Just writing about these things will give me nightmares. Oh, and I am sure this is only Part 1 as other poor or overused word choices come to mind.  So let me leave you with a visual to make some of this come together
.What do you see when you look at these? Are those orbs on tits? Or eyes in jars?  Can orbs with crooked smiles and tits be far behind? Thoughts like these will send me running into the closet and shutting the doors. *shudder*   You authors out there !  You have the power to stop this!  Use the force wisely!  We beg you!

And send me those words that make you hurl when you see them in a story.  I am making a list. And checking it twice!

And stay tuned for more Vocabulary Gone Bad!

Review of Josh of the Damned Triple Feature by Andrea Speed

Rating: 5 stars

Josh Caplan is not just  your average convenience store clerk.  But that’s ok because the Quik-Mart where he works the night shift? Well, it has a hell portal out back, werewolves peeing on the outside ice machine, and an endless parade of weird customers from hell. Whether it is the zombies buying frozen burritos or a love lorn yeti, Josh handles it all with a commendable nonchalance and sangfroid far beyond his years. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that his oh so hot boyfriend is a 300 year old vampire with powers out the whazoo!  Can anything upset Josh’s unflappability?  Why yes, there is.  All it takes is a visit from a voracious facial hair, an attack from an overcompensating Cthulhu, and a visit from the Hell Boss herself with a mission for Josh to make a job at Wendy’s look promising.  It’s all here.  Read it for yourself.

While it is true that I am addicted to all things Andrea Speed, Josh Caplan holds a special, albeit warped, place in my heart.  With each new customer that walks the aisles to the freezer section, Josh is ready for anything, even if it’s a few extra cents from the Take A Penny tray to help him/them/it complete their purchase.  That lovesick yeti from Peek-A-Boo (Book #2) is back and Josh calls him Professor Bobo as a nod to one of my favorites MST3K.  Great smacks into wonderfulness!  Josh has gotten fond of him and who wouldn’t?  Then there is Colin, his vampire boyfriend who is fond of sweets, Bailey’s Irish Creme and  rock n roll.  He’s handy to have around when the  hell customers get frisky or the human customers pose a threat.  Yep, you read that right.  Most of the time, it’s the humans that cause the most problems. Ok, that is par for the course at convenience stores anywhere. Moving on.

Triple Feature contains three new Josh of the Damned stories. Night of the Mustache, I Was Cthulhu’s Love Slave, and Interview With The Empire where we finally learn why Josh is so special.  I started giggling from page 1 and didn’t stop until the end.  I mean really. Stan Cthulhu? Stop it.  Really, I mean it.  Now I am going to have to start reading all over again.

Reading these stories are like munching on bonbons stuffed with weed.  Oozy chocolately goodness on the outside, mindbending surprises on the inside.  Combine all that with snappy dialog, outrageously memorable characters, and all too short stories and you have the Josh of the Damned series.  Throw in some added sweetness as well, because it’s there too.  I just love these books.  Just thinking about them makes my day.  Pick them up, and give them a read.  Josh and company will make your day too.

Cover:  Cover artist is LC Chase.  The cover is just one more treat in this veritable basket of goodies.  I would love to have a framed copy.  Just outstanding.

Available from Riptide Publishing, Amazon and ARe.

Check out Andrea Speed at http://andreaspeed.com/