Review of On the Trail To Moonlight Gulch by Shelter Somerset

Rating: 3.75 stars

It’s 1886 and Chicago, Illinois is booming.  Everywhere there is construction as new steel structure buildings rise up and more people flood into town for jobs.  Torsten Pilkvist, known as Tory, works for his Swedish immigrant parents in their bakery and boarding home.  Tory and a new boarder, Joseph fall secretly in love only to see it end with a tragic accident.  As Tory works through his grief, he happens upon Matrimonial News, a periodical where men and women advertised for arranged marriages.  One letter in particular calls out to him, that of Civil War Veteran Franklin Ausmus who lives in the Black Hills in Dakota Territory.  Tory decides to write  Franklin back, hiding the fact that he is male and the two men begin a correspondence that quickly becomes important to the both.  When Tory parents discover the letters, the ensuing argument sees Tory fleeing Chicago and heading out to meet the man behind the missives.

Franklin Ausmus left the Civil War behind when he journeyed out West.  Traveling until he happened upon the perfect place to build a ranch and settle down, a homestead called Moonlight Gulch.  And for ten years, he worked the land with only Wicasha, a Lakota Sioux as friend and company. Driven by loneliness, Franklin writes a letter to the Matrimonial News with low expectations.  He is surprised when the letter from a girl called Torsten P calls to him and he writes back immediately. Soon letters are flowing as quickly as the mail of the times will allow and a tenuous relationship is established between the frontiersman and the young Swedish “girl”  in Chicago.  But the letters abruptly stop leaving Franklin brokenhearted and unaware that the real Torsten P. is about to arrive on his doorstep.  What will happen when Franklin discovers the young greenhorn he hired and become fast friends with is in fact the Torsten P. he wrote all those letters to.  And it’s not just Franklin’s anger and Tory’s subterfuge that must be overcome, someone is trying to steal Franklin’s lands.With so much at stake, will both men survive long enough to get their chance at love?

This book contains many wonderful elements, the main one being the author’s ability to capture the hustle and bustle of Chicago 1886 so authentically that I could feel the awe of the citizenry as Chicago rises from the ashes of the Great Fire of 1871 to become one of the largest  cities in the nation.  Somerset’s descriptions of the new metropolis include buildings soon to be known as skyscrapers rising up as thousands of immigrants flood into the city looking for jobs and opportunities.  There are crowded sidewalks, boarding rooms appearing overnight to fill the need  for lodging, dueling cathedral construction and always more people pushing the population to over 1 million, exceeding that of Brooklyn and Philadelphia.  What amazing times to have lived in.  The author captures it perfectly, the research so well done that it meshes nicely with the story without becoming a information dump.  Shelter Somerset has an equally lovely touch with the portrait of Torsten’s parents, the stolidly Swedish Pilkvists and their boarding room guests.  Arriving in America with their hard work ethic and determination to exceed, their son’s flighty nature and “head in the clouds” attitude is neither accepted nor understood.  It is absolutely realistic that such parents would do anything,including burning letters, to  ensure that their son continues on the path they have chosen for him.  The author’s characterizations just add to the flavor and tone of the Chicago setting.  In fact, it is one of my favorite things about this novel.

And while I missed Chicago as the story migrated west, Somerset’s descriptive gifts kept up with the journey as Tory travels by various methods to the Black Hills.  Especially memorable are the stage coach portions of the trip with the carcasses of horses, stagecoach remnants and harnesses lining the trail they travel on, a testament to the treacherous nature of the  passage west.  There are nice touches of Tory’s interludes with “renters” or prostitutes and with other men who prefer “the company of men”.  In many ways, I wish the relationship aspect of the story to have been reduced in importance and the journey itself elevated as the main storyline.

It is with the majority of the main characters that the problems with the story arise for me.  Franklin Ausmus is a wonderful creation.  A wounded veteran, disabled by the Civil War, he has fought hard for his land and to get Moonlight Gulch to the stage where he is happy with his home, barns, gardens and animals.  He is self sufficient and  has a friend in Wicasha, a Lakota Sioux who lives on his land.  The book is at its strongest when it is Franklin’s voice we are listening to.  His love for the land and his travails as a soldier in the Civil War make him easily the best realized character in the book.

Less successful is Tory Pilkvist, a young Swede small in stature and incredibly impulsive by nature.  I found it hard to believe that he had not been robbed or shot at by the time he got to Spiketrout, the town nearest Franklin’s homestead.  At times, I wanted to shoot him myself his naivete was that irritating.  And then the author goes and shoots  their own character in the foot  by having Tory simper.  You heard that right.  Simper. As in “an affectedly coquettish, coy, or ingratiating smile or gesture”, that simper.  I haven’t heard that phrase outside of Cinderella’s stepsisters so it stopped me completely here to see it  in a main character.  We are supposed to find that romantic I think but the context in which that would be attractive totally escapes me.  And it happens more than once.  Sigh. That Tory simpers and it is in keeping with his character tells one all you need to know. Tory never reached the realistic heights achieved by Franklin and the Pilkvists.  Neither does Wicasha, the Lakota who seems to have gone to bed with quite a few men in the Territory.  His character often felt more a means to introduce the research about the third gender  in some Indian tribes than a necessity to round out the storyline and move the narrative forward. And then there is Henri Thibault Bilodeaux, the Snidely Whiplash of the novel.  He pops up every 10 minutes or so, threatens our heros and tells them he is going to steal their land.  He orchestrates every dramatic scene with all the villainous flair of a sneering Yosemite Sam.  I could never take him all that seriously which negated any angst or anxiety he was supposed to trigger with his appearances.

Finally, my last quibble has to do with the sheer length of this book.  It is way too long so by the last sentence you feel like you have slogged through the  tall grass prairies and mountain paths to get to the end, weary and needing to find the nearest saloon.  See? The long way of saying that at 42 chapters, it  felt overblown and unwieldy.  At least a third could have been trimmed and perhaps even more to arrive at a faster paced story where the slight characterizations might not have been as noticeable.

To recap, there are some great elements here, the descriptions of the locations, the great feeling the author has for the times and one terrific main character.  The author has such an authentic feel for settings that I wish we could have lingered in Chicago so vividly did the  city come to life. This was also a nice twist on the mail order matrimony storyline. I just wish it had come in a smaller bundle, complete with better companions and love interest .

Cover art by Anne Cain.  What an outstanding cover.  Perfectly captures the times and place of the story.  Absolutely a favorite cover of the month for me.

Review of Murder at the Rocking R by Catt Ford

Rating: 4 stars

While pursuing investigations into cattle rustling in Oklahoma Territory, Ranger Tell Hadley came upon a hanged man, dead cattle, and two men left dying in the dust around them.  Now he is on the trail of the survivor to find out what happened back on the Rocking R ranch and blood marks show him that man is injured.

Noel Ivory is a man on the run.  His best friend Jack Rogers has been murdered, his cattle killed, and he aims to avenge his friend.  But he is injured and being trailed by a stranger.  When Tell Hadley catches up with Noel, he is surprised to find that the man he has been tracking is a young reporter from back East with a story of water rights, murder and the involvement of a prominent local family to tell him.

Noel is not sure who he can trust and Tell knows that Noel is hiding something from him.  Can the two men learn to trust each other in time to bring the murderers to justice or will Noel be the next victim?

Catt Ford had me at the name Tell.  That name alone brought back a rush of memories and affection for one of my all time favorite characters in western fiction, William “Tell” Sackett of Louis L’Amour’s novels. I have every one of his books, passed down to me by my dad, a die hard L’Amour fan. And with her opening sentence she dropped me back into the wide ranges populated with trail savvy fighters of the genre I love.

Ranger Tell Hadley follows in the boot steps of other solitary men of honor westerns are so fond of.  Able to track a man where others fail, borne by a half wild Mustang as savvy as himself, I loved Tell from the beginning.  Cautious and fair, I find that he is the heart of the story and not the character of Noel Ivory as Catt Ford may have intended.  Noel Ivory presents some challenges here as a character in a western.  While it is true the typical “Easterner” is found throughout western fiction, Noel ended up presenting me with more questions than answers about his character.  He is a reporter from Philadelphia who ventured out west with his best friend yet our canny Ranger has some trouble tracking him as Noel appears to know tricks that only the wiliest of trackers  would know. How Noel obtained that knowledge is never explained as his friend only passed the rudiments of riding and tracking to him. Plus Noel has an equally smart steed in Smokey who appears on his way to character status and then disappears.

Another irritation here is the “instant love” between Noel and Tell.  Noel is injured and grieving over the loss of his best friend while trying to bring to justice the men who murdered him.  Tell is trying to get Noel to trust him while carrying out his duties as a Ranger,  So how is it that their gaydar goes off, they have sex and declare their love for each other? I would have found it much easier to believe in a longer story. I just found it hard to believe in 58 pages.

I think Catt Ford could have solved most of these issues by extending the length of the story.  This is a very short story with the feel of a much larger one. She has done an excellent job here with her location,  demonstrating a nice touch for the territory and small cattle towns.  I loved her descriptions of the trail, the land around it and the men and horses who move through it. And her alternating POV between Noel and Tell worked well to bring each character closer to the reader.  Everything works here, we just need a little more time to get to know Noel and watch a relationship grow between the two men. These two characters deserve that degree of reader satisfaction and realism. And that would have turned a lovely short story into a great novella.

Cover:  Cover art by Catt Ford, cover design by Mara McKinnon.  I like the cover, especially the dark blue background.  The title would have been easier to see in a light color but overall nice job.

Destination Anus or Where No Starfish Has Gone Before – Vocabulary Gone Bad #2

Note: Let’s just agree that this column is for mature audiences only shall we? If you continue reading, you are clearly over the age of 18 and don’t need your parents approval.  We are serious, people! Words used in the most despicable manner is no laughing matter!!!  Ok, well it is a laughing matter or we wouldn’t be here.  Getting off course again. Sigh.

So, here we are back again for our second installment of Vocabulary Gone Bad.  I have spent the last week or so toiling in the basement of the sentence horribilus.  OK, not really, I have been gathering together a list of poor phraseology that drives us right up that proverbial wall and over.  So many in fact that I think I must have enough material for a book or at least a graphic novel – the mind reels doesn’t it?  Today we are going to concentrate on two male body parts and the inexplicable, somewhat confusing, and just plain hilarious words we sometimes use to describe them.  Once again it’s that usage that  stops us dead mid sentence in a novel.  Backs us right up for that second looksee!  Makes us doubt our eyes and check the prescription on our glasses.  You know! THAT word!

 Anus/Rosebud/Ass Lips/Starfish:Since time began or at least kindergarten, the anus has been a source of humor and fascination.  When young, you’re preoccupied with it and rightly so.  There’s examining the stuff that comes out of it, potty training it, being taught to wipe it, clean it, and by all means cover it! The  anus has been called the shit hole, pooper, poop hole, shitter, butthole, and of course, the ever popular and widely used asshole.  All of which have many appropriate usages from noun to adjective and beyond. You can say of course “Look, you little shitter, stop calling your brother a pooper!”  And “Hey asshole,  when are you going to move out of that shithole you call an apartment?” or “Hey, poophead” (it all depends upon your actual or emotional age). See?  All widely used and totally appropriate!

We rarely use the correct term – anus. Why? I mean really, think back to the first time your class had to memorize the planets in our galaxy and some poor schmo had the task of reporting on Uranus! He turns red (why is it always the guys who get assigned this one) and shuffles his feet in preparation for what’s coming. He only gets one word out “Uranus” and the class breaks out into Beavis and Butthead  giggles and snorts.  From there we head over to Carter from South Park and his anal probe. To  quote Rodney Dangerfield, it gets no respect.

So imagine the difficulty authors of m/m  fiction have when writing sex scenes and the anus literally comes into play. The characters have fallen into lust/love and are getting ready to consummate away. The lube and condoms (safe sex please) come out. What happens next is a toss up as the anus still has that ability to produce guffaws instead of lust laden groans and all because the author got adventurous with their word choices.

Think about it. There you are reading along, happy with the two or more frisky men having at it in the story in front of you when you come across  “…and then Zane teased my ass lips with the vibrator..” Wait!  What?  No, it really  reads “ass lips”.  My mind immediately conjures up a posterior with red lipstick on it and shuts down, sexy men forgotten.  I take a deep breath and bravely continue on with “… pressing on the center of my anal starfish while probing… “.  *blink blink blink*  Apparently Zane has taken a hike and arrived at a nearby beach. Anal starfish? Really? When did we start using benthic fauna to describe male anatomy?  Can sexy sea squid be far behind?  Further into the abyss I go (yeah, I went there).   Zane continues on. “He jabbed another couple of inches into my shitter…”. Kindle drops to the bed and I start to giggle.  The book is a hopeless cause.

And this author is not the only one to lose me over their descriptions just the most recent. These aren’t the only poor word choices I’ve read lately.  I have run across man cave (yikes, spelunkers ahead), man pussy, and man cunt.  As with man tits (see When A Tit Should Be A Nip Or Leave Those Orbs Alone  -VGB#1), a huge absofuckatively no on the words man pussy and man cunt. Even if you are transgendered or are genderqueer, I can’t imagine you would use those terms. If I am wrong, give me a shout out and let me know.  Otherwise, can we just agree to let those words sink into vocabulary quicksand where they belong?

The Penis aka Throbbing Member, Dong, Pulsating passionate pestle, Joystick, Fuckstick, Mister Happy.   When it comes to the penis and it’s many monikers, a little research sees a veritable floodgate open and the names pour out.  Weenie, whang, tool,dick, cock, tool, manhandle, man root, and so many more.  My earliest memory of penis names comes from the schoolyard at elementary school.  Wee wee, peter, dingaling, and willy spring to mind. Yep, went there again. There are instrument based penis names like meat whistle, skin flute, blue-veined piccolo, love trumpet, and roaring horn.  There are animal based names like lizard, pecker, python, one-eyed snake, spitting cobra, and my personal favorite trouser trout. And of course the ever popular food based names that include pickle, banana, pork sword, cucumber, gherkin, wiener, manmeat, tubesteak, hairy sausage, and mutton dagger.**  I am sure you will think of more. One site alone lists over 400 terms for penis.  With that many to choose from, how it is that some authors are still using words that stop us dead in our tracks, kill any sexy mood they were trying to achieve, and  just leave us dumbfounded? Over and over, poor vocabulary has left me giggling instead of sighing.

I like the terms cock and dick.  They can give a sexual scene a rough and immediate feel of lust.  Prick and junk also get honorable mention as most of the instances where I have seen them used get the appropriate response.  Glans works too.  Member and shaft, while anatomically correct, get downgraded when they hook up with unseemly companions, hence, throbbing member and loveshaft.  There are many wonderful and sexy ways to describe the penis without giving it a name.  “It/he/name  hardened under his touch” or “his pants tented”.  Many authors give the scene texture by describing how it feels, the skins and veining.  That’s sexy too.  But when someone starts to jerk the  “that pocket rocket”, that “flesh piston of power”, then all bets are off.   Purple prose, my Aunt Fanny!  I would call that the Skittles of Prose.

Just because I like you, I have included some examples below.  These are literary passages, people!  Get those minds out of the gutter! !

The Skittle Prose memorable entries:

”  …Jacques’ admirably distended weapon…and indeed this massive weapon sprang from a hiding place of thick, shaggy, graying fleece…”* Wow, Jacque’s weapon was both distended and massive.  Go Jacques!- *The Autobiography of a Flea by Anonymous 1901

“Shai Hulud”, I responded, “Because it’s a gigantic life-giving spice worm that’s worshipped as a god, that’s why.”  Live chat tweet. That is just so wrong on so many levels I don’t know where to start.

“I couldn’t wait to get down on my knees to start sucking on his engorged pleasure-stick” remembered story recollection that still burns in the brain of Graham from my GR’s group. Thank you, Graham, Katey, Kate, Steelwhisper, Tam, Stacey Jo, Lisa and so many more for your contributions.

“…Harry’s ebony shaft. Joey, the Italian kid from across the street had his salami up my ass”  from *Happy New Year by Kenn Dahll. This author is also responsible for Zane and his antics. Free from Smashwords.  Please go download it.

So to wrap this puppy up, at least for now.  I am begging you authors, present and future, back away from those descriptions that make us cringe.  When in doubt, reach for the Pinot Noir and not the Rigid Digit.  If it makes you giggle when you say it aloud, think of its impact upon us poor helpless readers and just say no!  Of course if you don’t say no, if the temptation is too great, if you wake up at night covered in sweat because the term love muscle just  calls to you then don’t be surprised if it appears on another Vocabulary Gone Bad.  I am everywhere, just waiting for the purple prose to fall! And researching. And reading! See you at the next Vocabulary Gone Bad!  If you have any suggestions, please let me know!  The list grows ever longer.

Find the first Vocabulary Gone Bad When A Tit Should Be A Nip or Leave Those Orbs Alone here

**These lists and more  Penis Word Lists from the Penis Resources Blog, 101 Penis words.  What an invaluable resource!

Review of A Token In Time by Ethan Day

Rating: 4.85 stars

Zachary Hamilton comes from a family endowed with special gifts.  He has them as well and it has cost him everything.  Zachary doesn’t want his gift and his family doesn’t think he should have it  either.  To “return it” is to die so Zachary and his love, Nick, have been on the run  from the Hamilton family since they were teenagers.  Living as fugitives has been hard and each time they think they are safe, the Hamiltons find them yet again.  Then Zachary and Nick land in Los Angeles, California and their luck seems to change.  A benefactor appears out of the blue, offering them a store for their antique business and a place to call home.  And for a while they are happy.  Until a bullet shatters their lives and Nick dies in  Zachary’s arms.

Zachary is consumed by his grief, refusing to leave his apartment until Dave, his assistant in the shop, pulls him out of his house and back into their shop.  As Zachary tries to determine his next step regarding his family, he receives a phone call from a lawyer.  It seems that Mark Castle, a famous movie star from the 50’s has died and left Zachary the entire Castle estate, including an ancient relic.  This powerful token will change Zachary’s life and those around him if Zachary has the courage to use it. And so begins A Token In Time.

Well, what an amazing story.  I read it twice before sitting down to write this review, not because I needed to but because I wasn’t ready to let  go of Zachary and Marc and all who come with them, past and present.  I have been a fan of Ethan Day’s books but A Token In Time represents a departure from the light comedic fiction I have come to expect from him.  A Token In Time fluctuates between contemporary and historical romance under an umbrella of the supernatural and it does so beautifully.  The story of Zachary Hamilton and Marc Castle flows like a Mobius strip from the year 2008 back to the 1950’s and around again and never hits a false note.

Ethan Day has certainly done his research into life in the 50’s and it shows without it coming across like an information dump.  When Zachary (and the reader) land in Los Angeles circa 1958, the surprises are endless and sometimes very funny.  Stereophonic Hi Fi is new and wonderful, Coke is Coke, and gas “costs a friggin’ quarter”.  And the lack of the internet and Star Bucks come as an unhappy surprise to a young man accustomed to the everyday pluses of life in 2008.   Oh it’s so great to tag along with Zachary as he visits the West Hollywood Sears store and has to pick out pants that most certainly aren’t low riders!  Ethan Day’s deft touch with comedy is everywhere without overwhelming the dark and angst filled romance behind A Token In Time. Ethan Day brought the 50’s vividly back to life so much so that I was reaching for the iTunes store before the end of the book to recapture the sounds of the times.

And lets talk characters shall we?  I have loved Ethan Days previous creations but the characters he has brought to this story are remarkable and have so much depth to them as to be unforgettable.   Zachary is a complicated young man, beautiful, gifted, and still so full of joie de vivre through all his pain. But he doesn’t fully come to life until he falls onto the sand and into 1958. Free from the mechanisms of his family, he starts to blossom and the love affair between Zachary and the reader snaps to life as well.  Marc Castle too is rendered here in gorgeous Technicolor from his golden tan to white movie star smile.   We come to love him dearly the more we get to know him.  And don’t get me started on Jonathon Reed, Max, Maddie, and  Leo.  The author keeps adding characters so real, so damn lovable that I wanted to hold onto them for dear life and not let them go. I am going to beg here, Ethan Day.  Please consider giving us Jonathon and Max’s story.  Pretty please?  With fuzzy swinging dice on top?

And lurking behind all of this is a constant menace, the dark we hide from, the monsters we know are under the bed.  Skillfully, the dread increases, the anxiety ramps ups a notch after notch much like the music from the shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. We know where the danger coming from in both eras but not how or when it will strike. And strike it does in stomach churning, heart stopping ways.  Mystically, brutally rendered evil to balance the joy and love that infuses the rest of the story.

So why not give it 5 stars? Only because of the way the story begins.  A minor quibble but it took me a little while to get accustomed to the manner in which Zachary and Nick’s back story is told.  I found it a little jumpy at the beginning, but it soon settles itself out and the reader gets sucked in this wonderful page turner not to be let out until the very last word of the epilogue.  And you will love the end.  Really, you will.  And now I will say no more.

Cover:  Winterheart Designs did the cover and they did an outstanding job of it.  It looks like it came right off the book jacket of a novel from the 50’s, both in color and illustration.  It really couldn’t be more perfect. I would love to have a copy of it for myself, framed and hung on the wall, it’s that good.

Available from MLR Press, Amazon and ARe.

When a Tit Should Be A Nip Or Leave Those Orbs Alone!

It is rant time on Scatteredthoughtsandroguewords because my breaking point has been reached, people!!!!  Since I became a guest reviewer on Joyfully Jay and started my blog, the number of books I have been reading has gone off the charts.  So it won’t surprise you all that some of the books I have been reading have been less than stellar and some have been just outstanding. The quality of the books has been all over the place but some truly awful world usage has popped up again and again.  And I can’t take it any more! So to all authors out there (and you know who you are), please I am begging you, cease and desist from the following:

Orbs: The use of the word orbs when describing eyes. No, no, no, and absolutingfuckatively no!  Eyes may be described as many things, windows of the soul, soulful, leering, squinty, bedroom, vacant but never an orb. Unless you are describing an alien, no that still doesn’t work.  Then its eyes on stalks, like these beauties pictured here.  Orbs are spheres, globes, balls, spheroids, spherules, circles.  One can say “My what a lovely orb you are carrying today, destruction of the universe on the agenda?” What I don’t hear or want to hear?  “My what lovely gray orbs you have? From your mother’s side of the family?” Yet, I have picked up two books in a row (and read several more) in which the main character describes the hunk in front of him with blue gray orbs, or fiery orbs, or who cares what color orbs.

It stops me cold. Especially when the author has done a wonderful job otherwise.  So please stop. Run over to Val Kovalin’s site and read/buy the article How To Describe Eyes  on obsidianbookshelf.com.  Then laminate it and stick it above the laptop or whatever you use to write with. When you get the urge to splurge with the vocabulary and start to type orb – stop.  If you have already done the deed, then become acquainted with Find and Replace.  Use it often. Find “orb” replace with “eye.” It’s simple.  I am begging you here! Don’t make me come find you!

Of Tits and Nips: There I was, happily ensconced in bed with my Kindle, reading this smoking hot sex scene.  I have my glass of wine and I’m popping bon bons like bullets shooting out of a AK 47 as the two main characters finally strip off each others clothes as a prelude to some hot man love.  John/Ethan/Insert Name runs his hands lovingly over Zane/Troy/Adam/Whoevers chest and then gives his tits a twist. Wait! What?  Did I just read that right?  I quickly put down the bon bons and scan that paragraph again. I enlarge the font and read “Hank/Ralph/Morey then proceeds to lick and bite Stan/Harry/Mordecai’s tits like a milk-starved calf reunited with his mother.”  Yep, it’s still tits.  The Kindle gets cold in my hands as I contemplate a chest and sex scene gone wrong.

When I think of a man’s chest  (and the good Lord knows I do), it’s those wonderful sexy nipples that grab my attention first.  Large or small, tight or at ease, all colors, it doesn’t matter.  I just love them.  I like to look at them. I like to read about them. Except when they are described as tits.  Right or wrong, to me the word tit has feminine connotations.  Woman have beautiful tits, gorgeous breasts, outstanding tatas, basooms, gazongas, whatever.  We have oodles of names for womens breasts.  Men who gender identify as women and men transitioning to women have tits. But men? Straight or gay men? Well then, it’s nipples all the way or nips if you prefer.  If you have a man nipping the nip in a story, I am allfor it.  Go on, lick that nip! Have your way with it! Just please don’t call it a tit.  I have read descriptions where they were called tight buds, and I am okay with that.  Nubs?  That’s good too.   Rub that nub !  But tits? When you get the urge, just take a gander at the picture above. And just say no.

 
Smiling Crookedly:  This is just a minor pain that is looking to evolve into a major one with each new book that I read.  Again, don’t get me wrong, I love characters that have that snarky, crooked grin. Usually it is pasted on the face of some scalawag trying to get a rise out of our hero and that grin just says you know he will succeed.  But lately, some authors just can’t leave it at one or two references a story, or even a chapter.  Once they start, the use of that crooked grin just steamrolls until it is the only facial expression that one character has.

I love it when the character beams, smiles from ear to ear, or has a broad or shy grin. And what has happened to the scowl? The frowny face?  The leer?  Please let us not forget to have our characters frown, glower, glare, grimace, give the occasional black or dirty look.  I do see lots of smirks these days as well.  Let’s not forget our characters can still be smug, snicker, and have a smothered laugh every now and again. This is just a cautionary plea to all authors.  Please don’t botox your characters into facialimmobility and one expression hunks. The characters,your stories and the reader deserve far better than that.  Just picture your male ideal, leaning in that oh so sexy manner against the wall, watching you.  Could you take a crooked smile all day or after a few hours or so are you ready to slap his face off? See?  Let’s keep those crooked smiles at a minimum please.  Thank you.

I am winding down here.  Just writing about these things will give me nightmares. Oh, and I am sure this is only Part 1 as other poor or overused word choices come to mind.  So let me leave you with a visual to make some of this come together
.What do you see when you look at these? Are those orbs on tits? Or eyes in jars?  Can orbs with crooked smiles and tits be far behind? Thoughts like these will send me running into the closet and shutting the doors. *shudder*   You authors out there !  You have the power to stop this!  Use the force wisely!  We beg you!

And send me those words that make you hurl when you see them in a story.  I am making a list. And checking it twice!

And stay tuned for more Vocabulary Gone Bad!